


To Forget About the Stupid Little Things

by auroraphilealis (xrosepetalsx), notanannoyingfangirl



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-09 12:23:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4348636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xrosepetalsx/pseuds/auroraphilealis, https://archiveofourown.org/users/notanannoyingfangirl/pseuds/notanannoyingfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Phil Lester is in an accident leading to the loss of his every memory of Dan - and just how badly they’ve ruined each other over the years - the two of them work to find out just who they are to each other. But is history doomed to repeat itself, or can Phil fix where he went wrong in the first place, even if he doesn’t remember it?</p><p>Nominated for <a href="https://polldaddy.com/poll/8278109/">Edge of the Seat Award</a> <a href="http://phanficawards.tumblr.com/post/113541935645/phanfic-awards-2015-nominations">phanficawards 2015</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: In no way do I claim that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil.
> 
> Warnings: This fic talks about the v-day vid a lot though it never directly quotes the video. This fic also discusses other events such as Phil and Charlie’s friendship. However, we are not claiming that any of this is actually what happened. The purpose of this story is for entertainment purposes only.
> 
> A/N: And we’re back, bitches! Sorry, that was really uncalled for. Anyway - yeah. insanityplaysfics and I are back with our latest fic. Thanks to mostlikelyprocrastinating and justanotherlittlefangirlll for being super awesome beta’s. Also, this time the updating schedule is going to be a bit different. We will be updating this fic every Wednesday and Sunday.

Dan was  _fucked_ , because he couldn't take another single day of being around Phil Lester. Not without doing something stupid, like kissing him. But how does he tell his best friend of five years ( _five years!_ ) and roommate that he doesn't want to live with him anymore? Dan doesn't have any idea. **  
**

But it's not exactly something he can hide either, because he has to pack and find a new apartment, and Phil would notice if he started doing either of those things.

So Dan knew that he had to say something. He just wasn't sure what.

In the end, it came out when he wasn't expecting it. He and Phil had been sitting on the couch, eating their breakfast while watching anime (and it was the things like this that Dan would really miss) when it happened.

"I was thinking about getting a new coffee maker," Phil was saying, "since this one hardly works."

"I'll take it when I leave then," Dan said without thinking.  _Fuck_  he thought, and Phil whipped his head around to study him with those deep blue eyes of his.

"What do you mean? When you leave?" Phil asked, his voice hard, taking on the tone that let Dan know that he'd fucked up. "Where are you going?"

Dan glanced away, unable to meet Phil's gaze, "I've been thinking about moving out," he admitted quietly.

"Why on earth would you do that, Dan?" Phil asked, standing up to pace angrily across their lounge. "We're happy, aren't we?"

"Yeah, it's just... I think I need some space," Dan settled for. It was as close to the real reason as he was willing to get.

" _Space_?" Phil repeated, his voice frosty, and Dan hated being the person that that voice was directed at. "What the fuck, Dan?"

Dan flinched at Phil's sudden swear. "I still want to be friends," Dan rushed to add, seeking to placate his friend. This was going very, very bad. "I just want my own place."

Phil shook his head, "I can't believe you, Dan, after everything we've been through? It's been five years!"

"I know," Dan said sadly. "I don't want this any more than you do."

"Then why the hell are you doing it?" Phil asked, though he didn't wait for Dan's reply.

"Where are you going, Phil?" Dan called, watching his friend sweep out of the lounge and pull on his coat.

"Away from you," Phil replied bitterly, before stomping down the stairs.

Dan rested his head in his hands, feeling tears prickle in his eyes. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but it sure as hell wasn't that.

\--

Dan usually didn’t answer his phone when it was an unknown number, but Phil hadn’t come home yet (though it’d been hours), and he was an odd combination of bored and worried, so he answered the call and placed it by his ear.

"Hello," said an unfamiliar voice from the other end, "am I speaking to Dan Howell?"

"Yeah," Dan said, shifting on the couch uneasily, a pit suddenly growing in his stomach.

"You're listed as the emergency contact for Philip Lester and I'm calling to tell you that he was involved in a-"

Dan was out the door before the doctor even finished.

\--

"Will he wake up?" Dan asked, chewing on his fingernails nervously and trying not to cry. The receptionist hadn't wanted to let him in at first, since he wasn't immediate family, and it took Dan saying that Phil was his boyfriend before she would let him through.

But now that she had, Dan wondered if he would rather be stuck in the waiting room. Because Phil had always been pale, but now he was fucking translucent, and he looked small and venerable tucked amongst all of the machines beeping and buzzing around him.

Dan hated hospitals, he always had, and all he wanted was to run in the other direction. But he couldn't, because this was  _Phil_. God, this was Phil. For all his talk, Dan couldn't lose his best friend.

He couldn't.

"Your partner was involved in a hit and run," the doctor said, sounding far too calm for the news he was delivering. "We don't know if or when he'll wake up."

"But he might wake up?" Dan asked, searching for any piece of hope he could cling to.

"Yes, but Mr. Howell, he suffered extreme brain damage. The Phil Lester who wakes up might not be the Phil Lester you know at all."

\--

There was a loud beeping noise coming from somewhere to the left that Phil assumed was his alarm clock, only the sound was unfamiliar and strange in the grand scheme of things, and he didn’t remember changing it. Still, he reached up with aching limbs to shut it off, only to find his arm stopped mid-motion by a sharp pulling against his wrist.

Groaning, Phil tried to open his eyes to find out what it was, only to have to jam them back shut again at the aggressive brightness he was immediately assaulted with. Peeking out gently, Phil suddenly became aware of a sharp pain at the back of his head, and the fact that he definitely wasn’t back at home like he’d thought he was.

“Mr. Lester, you’re awake!” a female voice said from somewhere beside him, and Phil gently rolled his head to look at her.

He was still squinting through half lidded eyes, but he could definitely tell that the woman beside him was a hospital attendant of some kind - whether a doctor, or a nurse, he wasn’t sure, as his vision was too blurry and unfocused to take in her attire.

Beside her, a large machine was propped up that Phil was obviously connected to, and despite having no idea why or how he’d gotten here, Phil was forced to accept the fact that he was in a hospital - that the loud beeping sound he’d mistaken for his alarm clock was actually a heart monitor, and that clearly, by the aching in his head and the soreness in his limbs, he’d been in some kind of accident.

“Yeah...I am,” he eventually managed to croak out in response to her earlier words, throat sore and incredibly dry. “Ca-an I get...some water?” he asked.

“Yes, of course!” the women responded quickly. “I’ll be right back!” she assured him, and then she was hurrying into the adjoining bathroom to retrieve said water.

Phil could hear the water start running as he worked to open his eyes fully, the haze clearing slightly, but his vision still naturally hindered by his poor eyesight, and then the women was back.

“Tilt your head up,” she instructed softly as she reached out with slightly clammy hands to hold Phil’s chin up. Then she was pressing the cool lip of a plastic cup to Phil’s lips, and slowly pouring the cold liquid into his mouth.

Phil gulped at it like a man dying of thirst, closing his eyes again once he was done.

“Thank you,” he mumbled, voice still hoarse and croaky.

“Of course, sweetie,” she replied, and then she was bustling about at Phil’s side while Phil tried to ignore the sharp pressure on the back of his head.

“Do you remember anything?” the women eventually asked, fingers prodding at Phil’s pulse point as she took his vitals.

 _A nurse then_ , he thought.

He shook his head, and she tutted at him.

“The doctor should be in shortly to catch you up to speed, then. Don’t worry, honey. And your boyfriend should be back any minute, as well! He hasn’t left your side in three days, but I made him go downstairs and get some lunch today. He’s a sweet one, that man,” the nurse prattled on as she gathered up a sheet of paper to jot down some notes on, smiling sweetly at Phil.

Phil, meanwhile, was stunned.

_Boyfriend?_

“You’re lucky to have him. Quite a handsome fellow, as well. He’ll be happy you’re awake,” she continued, and then she was walking out of the room before Phil could open his mouth and say something.

 _Boyfriend!?_  he thought again, squeezing his eyes shut in pain when an attempt to remember what the lady had been talking about caused his head extreme pain.

 _I have a boyfriend_ , he thought again, and then groaned as he rolled his head to the side again. Why couldn’t he remember?

\--

It was maybe ten minutes later when another figure wandered into Phil’s room, his form long and lanky. Despite not having his glasses on, Phil knew for a fact he couldn’t be his doctor. He was wearing far too much black for a hospital setting.

“Hey,” he managed to croak out in greeting, lifting his hand up to wave shyly. “Uhm, I’m not sure who you are, but - Dan?” Phil asked, suddenly cutting himself off as the stranger came into view, having rushed to his side the moment Phil had spoken up.

He didn’t have much time to take in the view of his best friend before he was being engulfed in a strong hug - their first hug ever. When had Dan gotten here?

“Oh my god, Phil. You’re awake,” the younger boy mumbled into the crook of Phil’s neck, and Phil could feel something warm splashing against his neck. Tears.

Reaching up slowly, Phil wrapped his arms around Dan gently in return, and pulled the younger boy tighter to his chest.

“What - how...what are you doing here, Dan?” he asked, confused as Dan pulled away from him. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m really excited to see you, but -” and then Phil realized.

“Oh shit. I was supposed to pick you up at the train station today, wasn’t I? How did you know I was in the hospital? Did someone call you?” he asked, voice frantic with worry.

That’s when it hit him that Dan was  _really_  here, and he gasped sharply as the realization hit him, and his face slowly split into a magnificent grin. “Holy shit, Dan, I can’t believe  _you’re here_ ,” he said, voice breathless as he reached up to cup Dan’s cheek in awe.

It was then that Phil realized that something was wrong. This beautiful boy in front of him wasn’t looking at him like he was as excited to see Phil as Phil was to see him. In fact, this beautiful boy was looking at him like his world had just been shattered.

“Dan? What’s wrong?” he asked, confused.

“I - Phil. What do you mean you were supposed to pick me up at the train station today?”

“You...I mean. Aren’t you here to visit me?” he asked.

From the way Dan’s face fell, Phil figured that was the wrong answer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! We’re really appreciative of all your positive feedback and excitement for this fic, and we hope you love it as much as we did writing it. It’s going to be an emotional roller coaster, but I think you guys will love it. Thanks to [mostlikelyprocrastinating](http://mostlikelyprocrastinating.tumblr.com) and [justanotherlittlefangirlll](http://justanotherlittlefangirlll.tumblr.com) for being super awesome beta’s. And here we are with chapter two! Next update will be on Wednesday !

His head was aching by the time the doctor came into the room to speak with him.

Dan was sitting by his side silently, having refused to explain anything to Phil after their brief conversation earlier, but refusing to leave the room.

Meanwhile, Phil had had enough time to fully soak in the man sitting beside him, and the more he focused, the more he realized that something was wrong.

This wasn’t Dan, and yet it _was_ Dan, clearly, from the way that his features were definitely the same as Phil knew them from over Skype. For a little while, Phil had even tried to convince himself that nothing was wrong, that it was just his lack of glasses or the shitty webcam quality that had distorted Dan’s image so much Phil could hardly recognize him.

But the longer Dan sat at his side, refusing to speak, but obviously crestfallen, the more Phil started to realize what must have been going on.

The aching in his head, the disorientation, the inability to think back on his memories for more than a few seconds at a time...The fact that this Dan, who was sitting right next to him, was definitely Dan, but also older somehow?

Phil had lost time.

Now he was stuck gazing softly at the changed form of his best friend, who he couldn’t remember ever meeting in real life, but who clearly remembered meeting him.

This Dan had shorter hair, with features that were much more defined - the cute chubbiness of his cheeks had been replaced with a sharp jawline, and his eyes had little wrinkles against the corners of them. His voice was deeper, from the little Phil had heard from it, and no longer made a little cracking sound in the middle of his words, and he spoke with a slight twang - like he’d picked up on Phil’s northern accent somewhere along the lines.

“Hello, Mr. Lester. I’m Doctor Sherry. Now, I know this must all be very confusing for you, but you’ve been in an accident. A hit and run. You hit your head pretty badly, and were in surgery for a few hours after the fact, so it’s expected that you may have lost some of your memory. Can you tell me what the last thing you remember is?”

“I...was at home. I was about to leave to pick Dan up from the train station. It was supposed to be...the first time we met in person.”

The doctor looked at Dan for confirmation.

“He’s...remembering the first time we met in 2009,” Dan explained.

The doctor sighed.

“It’s as we feared then. Look, son. I know this is going to be a hard road of recovery from here on out, but you’ve got your partner here to help you get through this, along with my team and I. For a while there it was touch and go if you were ever going to wake up, so I’m sure I speak for all of us, including your boyfriend and your family, when I say that a little memory loss won’t kill us.”

Phil was too busy being stunned by the realization that _Dan_ was the boyfriend the nurse had been talking about earlier, to be concerned with the fact that he’d nearly died.

Instead, a small smile was creeping up onto his face as he turned to look at Dan. _His boyfriend._

\--

It was silent for a few minutes after the doctor left, Dan studying his hands intently, trying to avoid Phil's gaze.

_A little memory loss won't kill us._

Dan could feel tears prickling in his eyes, and he wiped them away quickly before Phil could see. No, a little memory loss wouldn't kill them. But it was breaking Dan's heart.

Because this wasn't his _Phil._ This wasn't the man he had grown up beside, stood on stage beside, lived with and traveled with. And it was all Dan's fault, god, he was a fucking idiot. He should have never, _never_ have even mentioned moving out.

He felt cool fingers reach out to touch his arm gently, and Dan nearly launched himself across the room.

"Dan," Phil said gently, "are you okay?"

Dan didn't look at Phil. He couldn't. Not when Phil was attached to all of those machines and drowning in white blankets.

And Dan wasn't fucking okay, because his _best friend_ barely even remembered him. Phil didn't remember how much of a difference he'd made in Dan's life, and he didn't remember moving to London, and, oh god, he probably thought that they were still in Manchester.

"No," Dan said quietly, his voice choked and ragged.

"Dan, how old are you?" Phil asked, tears threatening his big blue eyes. "Because you look a lot older."

"I am a lot older," Dan muttered, "I'm twenty-three."

"Fuck," Phil muttered, making Dan jump yet again with the uncharacteristic swear. "That would make me.... twenty-seven?"

Dan shook his head, "Twenty-eight. It's 2015."

"I got old," Phil whispered.

Dan shook his head again, more fiercely this time, "You? Never."

"How long have we been together then?" Phil asked, and Dan cocked his head in confusion.

"Together?" Dan asked, "We've lived together for three years now."

"No," Phil protested, "the nurse. She said that you were my boyfriend."

"Oh," Dan said softly. "No, I had to lie. They were only letting immediate family in to see you."

"Really?" Phil looked surprised. "Huh."

"What?" Dan asked, narrowing his eyes.

"It's just, it's been almost six years. I can't believe we're not dating."

\--

The doctors told him he couldn’t go home until they’d finished monitoring him, which could be anywhere from two to three days.

Phil figured he could live with that.

Except it was hard, when Dan was sitting by his bedside, refusing to look at him, but constantly on the verge of tears, while Phil sat helplessly by.

Dan might be older now, much older than even Phil was when they'd apparently first met, but all Phil could see was that scared little boy he talked to on skype for hours at a time. All he could see was his best friend crying himself to sleep, while Phil watched and wished he could hold him through the webcam, and now Dan was literally 15 meters away from him, and he _still_ couldn’t hold him in his arms.

Maybe the real hardest part, though, was knowing that Dan had six more years of friendship in his memory, while Phil only had a few months max.

And maybe, part of what he was struggling with, was the idea that Dan and him weren’t dating yet either.

Six years. Six years, and Phil _knew_ how he’d felt even before he met Dan. In fact, the memory, and the feelings, were still fresh in his mind. How could they be living together and never have taken the next step?

“Dan?” Phil asked quietly, after the other man had come back from a long stint in the bathroom wherein Phil suspected he’d been crying without restraint.

“What?” Dan responded, his voice sounding sort of harsh. Phil couldn’t blame him.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Dan didn’t answer, but he did turn his head slightly in Phil’s direction. Phil took the movement as permission.

“Why aren’t we dating?” he asked, averting his eyes from the figure that was Dan in the hopes that it would make answering easier.

Still, Phil could see it when Dan’s head whipped to the side to face him, and he could see the frustration and hurt in his eyes. Phil feared that he’d put that there.

“What do you mean ‘Why aren’t we dating’? Ask yourself that,” he muttered harshly, and then seemed to catch himself.

“Fuck,” he muttered, shoving his face into his hands. “I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry.”

“‘s fine,” Phil mumbled back, settling back down on the bed so he could rest. His head was starting to ache again with the effort he was extending to remember what he’d done wrong.

Had he broken Dan’s heart?

“Look, don’t think too much on it, okay? The doctors said you need to remember on your own, and pushing you could cause more damage between the...synapses or whatever. Maybe I should go home, give you time to rest on your own,” Dan was saying, but Phil was hardly listening.

There were tears in his eyes now, and they were just starting to fall when Phil heard Dan make a little choked noise, and then he was gone.

Closing his eyes bitterly, Phil assumed that that was what he’d deserved. Obviously Phil hadn’t been a good enough friend over the years. He hadn’t protected Dan the way he’d promised himself he would, and now he was left to pick up the pieces with no memory of what he’d done wrong.

\--

Dan had gone home, though he hadn't stayed. He'd taken one step inside and all he could think was that _Phil_ was supposed to be with him. It was _their_ home, not Dan's, not Phil's. Theirs.

So he had grabbed Phil's glasses and changed his clothes, not bothering to jump in the shower.

And the house felt fucking empty, without the TV blaring some crappy dating show that Phil was listening to while he watched stupid cat videos on his laptop.

And everywhere Dan looked, _he_ lingered. Because those were _his_ socks laying on the stairs, and _his_ empty mug of coffee on the kitchen counter.

Because there were traces of him everywhere, but he was as good as dead.

No. Dan couldn't, _he couldn't,_ think like that. Because Phil wasn't dead. He was alive and breathing, when he could very well have actually died. Dan knew that he should be thankful, but he wasn't. Because it felt like his best friend had died and left a ghost of him in his place.

\--

The scent of chemicals assaulted his nose as soon as Dan entered. In the days he'd stayed by Phil's bedside, he had grown accustomed to the ever-present scent, but now it seemed even stronger than it had before.

"Hullo, honey," the receptionist greeted him, accustomed to his coming and goings from various coffee runs over the past few days. She was one of the few friendly faces Dan had seen around lately, so he always flashed her a tired smile.

It didn’t take him long to reach Phil's room, though once he did, Dan wasn’t sure he wanted to go inside.

Phil's glasses dangled from his fingers, and for half a second, Dan considered leaving. But that wouldn't be fair to Phil. Because Phil didn't even know that they were in London, let alone how to operate all of his 2015 technology, and when it came down to it, Dan could never abandon his friend like that.

He pushed the door open slowly, half hoping that Phil would be asleep.

He wasn’t, and his head swiveled quickly to focus on the door when he heard it creak open.

"You came back," Phil said, and he sounded so sad, like he honestly thought that Dan _wouldn't_ come back, that it broke Dan's heart yet again.

"Of course I did," Dan said, giving Phil a small smile. "You're my best friend."

Dan moved further into the room, sitting in the chair next to Phil's bed that he'd spent so much time in recently. He reached over, pressing Phil's glasses onto his face.

"I can see," Phil said, sounding more excited than he probably should. He pushed himself up until he was sitting properly, and then turned to look at Dan. Really look at him, for the first time.

"You're even prettier in person, you know?"

\--

Phil wasn’t sure if that had been the right thing to say, but he hardly cared when the words made Dan immediately blush, and turn his face away.

“Shut up, Phil,” Dan muttered back through a tear strained laugh. “That’s exactly what you said to me back in...when we first met.”

Phil was silent at that, and thoughtful. He wished he could access all of those memories, understand why the words had made Dan so sad, because he wanted to understand. He wanted to understand _so_ bad, that it felt like a lead weight on his chest that was almost as painful as the dull ache at the back of his head.

“I’m sorry,” Phil eventually mumbled in response, settling back against the pillows of his hospital bed, and closing his eyes in pain.

“For what?” Dan asked in return.

“For whatever I did to hurt you. For getting into an accident and forgetting it all. For never telling you how much I lo-”

“Stop!” Dan nearly shouted, cutting Phil off before the words could leave his mouth. Phil opened his eyes in shock to turn and stare at Dan, whose bottom lip was trembling.

“Don’t you dare-” Dan choked out, reaching up to cup his hand around his mouth and shake his head.

He was hardly looking at Phil now, but he could still see the pain in his eyes as he tried not to cry.

“Coming back here was a mistake,” Dan finally continued after he’d calmed down, but he didn’t move to get up.

“I’m sorry,” Phil repeated again, feeling smaller than he ever had in his life.

Looking at Dan, then, became suddenly very painful, because all of a sudden Phil had become very aware that this wasn’t his Dan. This wasn’t the same young, handsome boy Phil had grown to love over the past few weeks. This wasn’t the lost little boy Phil was guiding to the light.

This was a full-grown man whom Phil had clearly hurt at some point in their timeline, and as much as Phil wanted to put it to rights, he had no idea how.

“You can go,” Phil finally said after a while, turning his head so he wouldn’t have to look at Dan anymore. “I understand. I’m not...I’m not your best friend. Just a ghost of him,” he continued on to say, heart breaking a little bit more with each and every word.

Suddenly, warm fingers were laced with his, and Phil couldn’t help the fact that his eyes had snapped open and he’d turned to look at Dan.

“Don’t say that, Phil,” Dan demanded. “Don’t you dare say that. You’re still my best friend, and we’ll...we’ll get through this together.”


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I’m so glad everyone seems to really like this fic! Thank you to everyone who takes their time to like, reblog, comment, or just tell us how much you like it. As always thanks to mostlikelyprocrastinating and justanotherlittlefangirlll for being super awesome beta’s. Enjoy!

It took three more days before Phil was dispatched. There was no permanent brain damage other than the loss of memories, and for that, Phil was grateful. **  
**

He could walk fine, and his motor skills were as strong as ever, but the doctors still made him take a wheelchair down to the front doors before he could exit. Dan stood behind him, the ever-present force that had been by Phil’s side every step of the way, and pushed Phil out to freedom.

The view was unfamiliar, as they left, but Phil had expected this. Dan had told him about their move to London, though nothing more than that, and had warned him about the mess that was their apartment at the moment.

Phil hardly cared. He was just glad to be going home, even if home wasn’t...quite what Phil remembered it being.

“When did I move out of my parents house?” he asked as Dan helped him to stand, arm gentle on Phil’s as he led him to the taxi that was waiting for them.

Dan chuckled in response. “Same year we met.”

Phil pouted. That wasn’t much to go off of at all.

“The doctors told me -”

“I know what they told you, Dan,” Phil grumbled in response, trying to force his bruised legs to move faster, anxious to get home. “I just wish you’d lighten up a little and fill me in on some of the more important things.”

“Alright, alright,” Dan laughed. “I’ll fill you in when we get home, deal?” he asked, and Phil nodded, turning to smile gratefully at him.

“Sounds good.”

\--

When they finally pushed open the door, Dan heard Phil's mouth open with an audible gasp.

"This is ours?" Phil asked, glancing around the apartment once they had finally made it up all of the stairs.

Dan nodded. "Yeah." Half of him was hoping some of the items would spark some bit of familiarity within the other boy, but his heart sank as he realized that didn't appear to be the case.

"And we've lived here...?"

"A couple of years." Dan said, brushing his fingers against the wall.

"I told you we would get an apartment together someday," Phil said with a grin, his tongue poking out from between his teeth.

Dan smiled sadly. "Yeah, you always did."

"Dan, this is probably going to sound really weird, but is there a mirror? I haven't even seen what I look like," Phil asked quietly.

"Oh, oh, yeah," Dan said, his head snapping up to look at his friend. "In the bathroom," Dan said, pointing toward the right door. He lingered behind for half a second, before following Phil down the hallway.

Phil was leaning closer to the mirror, when Dan leaned against the open door.

"I don't even look the same," Phil said, poking his cheeks and playing with his hair.

"Yes, you do," Dan protested. "You just look a little older."

"So do you," Phil replied, glancing at Dan's reflection in the mirror.

\--

"Okay so why did we move to London?" Phil asked a while later, while Dan bustled around the kitchen, attempting to make the two of them something to eat.

"For our job at the BBC," Dan replied, making Phil sputter.

"We work for the BBC?" He asked, disbelief audible in his voice. "What about our videos?"

"We still make them," Dan said with a nod. "You've got about 2.5 million subscribers."

"No way," Phil said, his eyes looking like they were ready to pop out of his head. "How many do you have?"

"Four million," Dan said quietly.

Phil grinned, "I'm so proud of you, Dan."

Dan couldn't find it in himself to smile.

\--

It didn’t come as a surprise to Phil that Dan had shot past him in the subscriptions count. What did surprise him was his lack of enthusiasm about it. He seemed genuinely concerned about Phil’s reaction to it.

But he brushed it aside in an attempt to make Dan happy again, already tired of seeing the strained, heartbroken look that had been on his face for the past few days. Phil hated to see Dan frown.

“Dan?” he asked when he’d gotten an idea.

“Yeah?”

“Can you tell me more about what we do now? Do we work together? Or are we a separate brand?”

Phil could hear Dan chuckle lightly from in front of him, but it still sounded like a defeated sound.

“Yeah, we work together. For a while, we were...separate, but now we’re Dan and Phil. Just like you always wanted.”

Phil was sure he hadn’t imagined the bitter sound to Dan’s words.

“Oh...is that...not what you wanted, then?” Phil asked, voice cautious as he stared down at his fingers with his heart in his throat.

Dan didn’t answer. Instead, he spent the next ten minutes cooking silently, before setting a plate of food down in front of Phil.

They sat next to each other on multicolored chairs, but didn’t speak, while Phil worked to hold back his tears.

\--

“Alright, here’s a quick run-down of our careers so far. I figure you’ll need to be prepared if...well, I know the fans are worried about you. They know you were in an accident, and I can’t exactly continue on without you, can I?” Dan questioned as he sat Phil down on the sofa in the lounge. There was a little leap of hope in Phil’s heart at the words, but he snuffled it out quickly.

“Shoot,” he encouraged when the other hesitated.

“Shush. I’m trying to think of where to start.”

Phil waited.

“Okay, so...do you remember that video idea you had for when I came to visit the first time?” Dan eventually asked.

Phil nodded. “Yeah. We were supposed to film a Q&A.”

“Okay, right. Well, we did, only it became a yearly thing. We called it “Phil is not on fire,” and that’s where our brand started...”

As Dan spoke, Phil began to grin, feeling excitement bubble in his stomach at the idea of how much the two of them had done together. There was a slight prickling feeling at the back of his head that reminded Phil of what it felt like to be dizzy, but he ignored it as Dan continued talking, telling him about The Super Amazing Project, and the Radio Show they’d hosted, and still hosted once a month.

“We’ve always done some form of Dan vs. Phil, and we made it a thing where at the end of the year, whoever was the ultimate loser had to face their punishment.”

“And one year I got to pour custard over your head,” Phil blurted out, laughing at the very thought and idea of doing such a thing to Dan. It took a couple of minutes of laughing for Phil to stop and realize that Dan was looking at him with a mixture of shock and elation, and then he realized what he’d said.

“Oh,” he said softly, smiling shyly back at Dan. “Look at that.”

\--

Dan could feel his heart beating in his throat, because Phil had remembered. Granted, it was hardly anything major, it was just one little memory in the whole grand scheme of nearly six years. But it was  _something_.

"You remember that?" Dan asked, his breath releasing with a tiny gasp. Half of him was waiting for the joke, the punchline, because this felt too good too be true.

Phil nodded, "Yeah...I...I think so. It's kind of fuzzy."

"But you remembered," Dan said quietly, more to himself than to Phil, "and it's a start," he added more loudly.

"It's a start," Phil agreed.

Dan wanted to just start rapid-firing questions at Phil until he remembered everything, but he remembered the doctor's words of warning, and restrained himself.

"Can I...Can you show me my room?" Phil asked, ruffling his hair, "I have a bit of a headache."

"Oh, yeah, yeah, follow me," Dan said, as he stood up.

He wasn't supposed to be showing Phil to his own bedroom.

\--

The next morning was quiet. Phil had slept in late, and proclaimed that he wasn't feeling well before retreating to the couch. He was watching old episodes of Buffy on the TV, which Dan could hear from his place in the kitchen.

Dan had a cold cup of coffee in one hand and his camera in the other. Neither he nor Phil (obviously) had tweeted or made any videos recently, even the few days leading up the accident had been almost suspiciously void of videos.

In fact, Dan had tweeted once while he'd been at the hospital waiting for Phil to wake up, and that was it.

He knew the fans were worried.

But Phil was his first concern. Or rather, Phil had been his first concern. Now that he appeared to be doing better, Dan could tackle the other things.

He figured he'd keep it casual, almost a vlog. He didn't want to have to edit or anything. So he switched on the camera.

"Hello, internet..."

\--

Phil could hear Dan filming from the lounge. He wasn’t ashamed to admit that he’d muted the TV the moment he’d heard the familiar “Hello, internet” that Dan had spent hours at a time practicing with him over Skype until he’d gotten it right, not a few nights ago.

It was so strange, that thought; remembering things that, to Dan, were ancient history, as if they had just happened yesterday, but Phil put it out of his mind as he tried to focus on his best friend’s voice.

It was magical.

This wasn’t the first time Phil had heard one of Dan’s videos. The boy had had at least three filmed and edited before Phil had even managed to convince him to post his first one, but this time was different. This time, Dan spoke with confidence, despite his voice being low and obviously heartbroken.

This wasn’t a happy video; it was an update on Phil’s condition, and still, Phil was blown away.

Blown away by how much his best friend had grown, and matured, over what felt like one night to Phil.

That’s when he truly began to understand what Dan must be going through, and vowed to himself that he would get his memories back, if it was the last thing he did. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I nearly forgot to post today. Like, I remembered last night, but then I nearly went to work without this going up, which means no one would have gotten it until like 10 pm PST, and that’s just rude x3 Anyway, I know we’ve been suffocating you all with angst, but I think this chapter is a good indicator of the boys actually making a move to move forward in the situation and problems they’re facing. We’ll see if you agree. Update on Wednesday, and thanks as always to our awesome betas mostlikelyprocrastinating and [justanotherlittlefangirlll](http://justanotherlittlefangirlll.tumblr.com)

Phil really hadn’t meant for it to happen. He’d only been home for two days, but it had been so easy to settle into being comfortable when he was living with his best friend, they way he’d been dreaming of doing for months.

So it really wasn’t his fault when he forgot to pull on a t-shirt and instead wandered out of his room in nothing but a loose pair of pajama bottoms and no glasses to grab himself some breakfast.

Honestly, he hadn’t meant to make Dan uncomfortable, but there was a light gasp from behind him that caused Phil to turn around, bleary eyed and still sleepy.

Consequently, he couldn’t help but smirk at the light blush that adorned Dan’s cheeks.

“Like what you see?” he teased, without thinking, and immediately wanted to hit himself when Dan flushed, but turned his gaze away like he didn’t want to hear it.

“Sorry,” Phil apologized. “Force of habit.”

They’d been flirting for months. It hurt Phil to know he couldn’t do that casually anymore. It hurt even more to know it was his fault.

They were silent as Phil rummaged around the kitchen for the proper kitchenware for a bowl of cereal, the two of them having agreed that Dan wouldn’t guide Phil around anymore in the hopes that muscle memory might bring something back to him.

So far it hadn’t worked, but Phil imagined when he stopped trying so hard, there wouldn’t be a problem. He was overthinking things, for sure.

As Phil was settling down to eat, Dan cleared his throat.

“Ah...the fans have left a lot of encouraging comments. I was wondering if you wanted to see them,” Dan offered, laptop tilted slightly towards Phil on their kitchen table.

“Oh. Yeah. Sure,” Phil agreed, sidling over slightly so that he could get a better look, but careful to leave enough space between his body and Dan’s so the other boy could feel comfortable.

The new YouTube layout looked incredibly fancy to Phil’s eyes, but he’d kind of been expecting that to begin with. The site was constantly going through changes, only now, it looked futuristic, cementing home the idea that Phil really was ‘in the future’ so to speak. Mentality wise, at least.

There were over 1 million views on the short, 2 minute video already, and Phil had to hold his breath as he scrolled down to the comments. He knew what to expect, but at the same, he didn’t.

_We love you amazingphil!!!_

_get better soon! we’re all cheering you on_

_Take care of him, Dan! My uncle lost his memory, and it took nearly 3 years for him to get it all back! It was really hard on all of us, but mostly him. None of us can fully imagine losing so much of our lives only to have to continue without it and fight to get them back as we go along. try not to be too hard on him._

_dont push urself 2 much phil. i sufferet memroy loss when i was 10 from a fall nd trying 2 force memories causes more long term damge. its not worth it mate_

_Don’t stress about uploading, okay, Phil? We’ll all be here waiting for you when you get back!_

All the kind messages were still coming through, and tears had already began to sting at Phil’s eyes as he pushed Dan’s laptop back towards him, turning away to return to his shreddies. He couldn’t take anymore, and the ever-present headache was coming back full force.

He hated feeling like this. Needy, lost, unsure of himself. Fragile.

He hated causing the people around him worry, let alone his fans.

Let alone Dan, who was now looking at him with sympathetic eyes.

“Phil, it’s going to be okay,” he murmured, but Phil ignored him.

“Yeah…I know,” he eventually agreed, sending Dan a quick smile, before getting up, setting his dishes in the sink, and heading back to his bedroom.

He didn’t think he was imagining the feeling of Dan’s eyes burning into the back of his head, but he didn’t even care, at that point.

His eyes felt like they were about to explode out of his head, and his arms felt all shaky in the most uncomfortable way, but he didn’t know what to do to stop it other than to lay down.

He didn’t cry when he got to his room, but he did take a multitude of shuddery breaths before drifting back to sleep, something itching at the back of his head painfully.

\--

Dan had a soggy mess of his remaining cereal in front of him. His laptop was still propped up in front of him, although it was warning him about a low battery. But he hadn't moved since Phil had left the room. Because he'd been so sure, _so sure_ , that seeing all of the comments would make Phil feel better.

So why had it had the opposite effect?

Dropping his head into his hands with a low groan, Dan rubbed at his eyes tiredly. He knew that the circles underneath them were far darker than usual, and while his sleeping schedule had always been a bit off, these days he was hardly sleeping at all. And it showed.

There had been an odd sort of tension in the house since Phil had remembered pouring that stupid custard over Dan's head. Both of them waiting for the next one. Dan knew that Phil was pushing himself too hard, and that it probably wasn't healthy. But if Phil wanted the memories back half as much as Dan wanted Phil to regain them, then Dan certainly wasn't going to be the one to say anything.

\--

His room was dark, but Dan was still sat atop his covers with his laptop resting on his legs. It was nearly four in the morning, but Dan had almost given up on the idea of sleep entirely. Which meant that he was scrolling through tumblr almost mindlessly, somewhere between awake and asleep.

It wasn't a pleasant feeling, but one that was not unfamiliar to Dan.

He heard his door creaking open before he saw anything, but it didn't take long for his eyes to pick out the dark outline of Phil, his hand posed to knock.

"I'm awake," Dan said, his voice coming out horse from lack of use in the last few hours.

"Oh, good," Phil said, sitting at the edge of Dan's bed, "there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

Dan tensed at the words, those were never good words.

"I just- we were fighting," Phil started, and Dan narrowed his eyes in confusion... surely Phil hadn't remembered something new.

"You were mad at me? Said everything was a game to me, you were really mad at me," Phil said quietly, picking at Dan's duvet. "Why were you so mad at me, Dan?"

Dan sucked in a breath. 2012. Phil had remembered one of their worst fights they'd ever had.

"It was back in 2012," Dan started. "So about three years ago now," he couldn't help be notice how relieved Phil looked to hear that it was old news, "and we'd, you'd, made this video as a bit of a prank, saying that we were a couple and stuff. You were going to upload it for April fools day. You didn't, something about the idea didn't sit right with either of us.

But then, a couple years later, YouTube glitched out and unprivated a bunch of videos, including that one."

Phil's eyes widened. "Why would I do something like that?"

Dan shrugged. "I don't know," he said honestly. "I never really liked the idea in the first place, and I-"

"Told me it felt like I was making our relationship into a game." Phil said suddenly, cutting Dan off, "I remember that!"

\--

Phil could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears, adrenaline shooting through his veins at the rush of remembering something again. The thoughts were all blurry and fuzzy, and there was a steel trap preventing Phil from remembering anymore, but he didn’t even care as the ever-present pain in his head started to ache more.

Suddenly exhausted, Phil dropped his face into his hands, and squeezed, glad Dan’s lights were off.

“Are you okay, Phil? Maybe you should go back to bed,” Dan suggested then, but Phil shook his head.

There was no way he was going back to bed before they’d talked about this.

“No, it’s okay. I’m fine. I was...actually hoping we could talk,” he said, words slightly muffled by the palms of his hands.

Another hand reached out and gripped his shoulder gently. He almost startled, but didn’t, relaxing into the touch immediately. His body recognized the familiar feeling, despite the fact that he did not.

“I don’t think that’s the best idea, Phil.”

“Fuck that, Dan. It’s been nearly a week since I woke up,” Phil argued, finally looking up now that the nauseating pain had somewhat alleviated. “The last thing I remember is my excitement over seeing you for the very first time, and then I wake up, and that’s all been taken from me. Not only that, but somehow, we’re not together after _6 years_ , and then I remember us fighting over me making light of our relationship, and shit, Dan. I just want to know what went wrong.”

Dan was looking at him with that same ever-present pain in his eyes, but Phil refused to give up now. Not when he was managing to remember how their relationship had managed to go so wrong.

“Phil…” Dan muttered, looking away.

“No, Dan. No. I loved-”

“Don’t you dare,” Dan hissed, cutting him off. Phil groaned in irritation.

“I’ve had feelings for you since the first time I skyped you, and it doesn’t matter that to me, that was barely a few months ago. I fail to see how my feelings could have changed over the course of 6 years. So I’ll be frank with you. Knowing that somehow, someway, _I_ fucked up our relationship from ever going further, upsets me more than anything else. More than having lost 6 years of friendship with you.”

Phil stopped to take a deep breath, eyes hard and unflinching as he stared at Dan.

“I don’t know why, or what, possessed me to make light of our relationship. I don’t know why I never made sure you knew how much you meant to me, but Dan...I’ve been pushing myself to remember, but I refuse to make the same mistakes twice. If I have to relive those years with you, either by recreating those memories, or by _actually_ remembering, I’m determined to do it right,” he continued.

Dan didn’t reply, but Phil could see that his mouth was hanging open in surprise. Pain flickered in the brown orbs Phil loved so much, but all Phil cared about was making it better.

“I don’t care what the doctors said, and I don’t care what you say. I’m going to put things right, and by that, I don’t just mean me.”

Then he stood up and left, before Dan could say anything else in reply.

Besides, his head was starting to ache more and more, and Phil was still tired, despite having slept all day.

He returned to his bed, and shut out the lights.

\--

For the first night in what felt like days, Phil didn’t have any strange dreams. Echoes of long forgotten words and phrases had haunted him since he’d woken up, but they were always devoid of voices or inflection, and served to do nothing more than upset Phil, rather than encourage him.

Half the words were jumbled up phrases anyway, and rarely made sense. It was a relief to go without, for just one night.

Then Phil remembered his conversation with Dan last night, and how their argument was still flitting about in his skull like a thorn bush prickling him each time he was least expecting it.

 _“Maybe, if you’d ever really cared about me, this wouldn’t be happening right now!_ ”

A knock came at Phil’s bedroom door, and he opened one eye as he heard it creak open.

Dan stepped in awkwardly.

“About last night, Phil,” he started, eyes downcast. “I don’t - I know it’s still fresh for you, but...that part of our relationship is over now and -”

“But you wish it wasn’t,” Phil said, cutting Dan off. The other man finally looked up, eyes wide.

“It doesn’t matter, Phil. You aren’t-” Dan didn’t bother finishing his sentence, instead sighing and running a hand through unruly curls.

It was then Phil noticed how exhausted and upset Dan actually looked.

“You might be the same Phil, but you aren’t complete yet. No matter what you do, you’re going to have to make the same mistakes twice, because I can’t just forget them. And eventually, you’ll remember them too. And for all we know, you might not consider them mista-”

“Fuck that, Dan!” Phil shouted, cutting him off and sitting up, duvet sliding down to pool at his waist. Dan flinched, and Phil realized he was cursing again. He hardly ever cursed.

“I might not be ‘complete’ yet, but I know how I feel. Nothing’s going to change that.”

“But you don’t even _know_ me anymore, Phil!” Dan shouted, “Maybe you loved me before we met in person, but something changed after that! I don’t know what it was, and you don’t know what it was, so how can you presume to believe that not getting with me was a mistake?”

“Because I know, Dan!” Phil shouted back, chest heaving with exertion. “I know! I know how I felt when I first met you, and I know how I feel _now_. How I felt _before_. I can feel it,” he continued, eyes pleading with Dan to understand.

“It’s an echo of a feeling. It’s not just in the present that I regret hurting you. Its a memory.”

\--

 _It's a memory._ The words were bouncing around Dan's mind, and he felt like he was going to be sick. He’d sunk down onto the floor, resting his back against Phil's wall.

"No, it's not," he muttered. He'd come to peace with his feelings - fuck, he'd even come to peace with Phil's. Six years was a hell of an old wound to be reopening. His hands were twisting into his unruly curls tightly, and he could feel Phil's gaze on him, though the other boy was silent.

"You can't do this to me," Dan added, after a moment. "You can't act like it's fucking 2009 all over again. This isn't a redo, Phil, that's not what happens in real life."

"Why can't it be a redo?" Phil asked. "Don't you owe it to yourself to at least try?"

"We did try," Dan said bitterly, "and you broke my fucking heart."

"Dan-"

"No, we're just friends Phil Lester, and you need to understand that." Dan said, his voice small, "just friends," he repeated, though he wasn't sure if it was for him or Phil.

\--

Phil hadn't come out of his room, but he didn't have to, Dan could practically smell the scheme that the other boy was cooking up to try and win him over.

Well, it wouldn't work. _Because Phil had already won a long time ago_ a small part of his mind whispered.

No, he wouldn't give in to his friend ( _friend._ ) that easily. He had meant what he told Phil, there weren't do-overs and second chances, not when it came to him.

By the time Phil's door finally did crack open, almost as if the other boy were afraid of what Dan's reaction would be, it was late. And Dan was worried, because it wasn't really like Phil to miss a meal, let alone lunch and dinner.

Dan chewed on his lip, because he wasn't sure if he was supposed to apologize. But he did feel guilty, even if he'd meant what he'd said.

"You should pack a bag," Phil said suddenly, not giving Dan so much as a chance to think about what he wanted to say.

"What? Phil, it's my house- you can't just kick me out!" Dan exclaimed, completely caught off guard by what Phil was suggesting.

Phil looked hurt, "I don't want you to move out, Dan."

"Oh, but you said-"

"I know what I said, pack a bag! We're going to Manchester."


	5. Chapter Five

Phil wasn’t entirely sure this was the best idea, but he knew he had to try something, and if that meant dragging Dan to Manchester to relive their past experiences, then so be it. There was no way in hell Phil was letting any of this go, no matter how adamant Dan had been about his thoughts.

It was clear to Phil that Dan was still in love with him, and Phil knew that his older self had loved Dan for 6 years as well, even if he couldn’t truly remember it. The fact that he couldn’t remember actually mattered even less to Phil because of that. He was done wasting time.

It had taken a car accident for him to realize that he couldn’t live without Dan, and Phil couldn’t even  _remember_  anything except for the lonely ache in his heart.

“We’re not going to Manchester, Phil,” Dan said, crossing his arms over his chest defiantly.

“Oh, yes, we are,” Phil demanded, crossing his arms equally as defiantly. Dan huffed.

“No, Phil, I already told you. We’re just friends, and no matter what your little scheme is, that’s not going to change.”  
  


“So, you don’t want me to get my memories back, then?” Phil shot back, gritting his teeth in frustration. Dan’s eyes narrowed.

“You know I do, Phil.”

“Then pack a bag.”

\--

According to Dan, Phil’s parents had moved out of Manchester a few years ago, leaving their old family home behind. While some part of Phil ached for his old home, he was also somewhat relieved to hear it. The memory of those haunted halls didn’t inspire much more than fear in him, and he doubted there was much to remember there either way.

From the way Dan’s cheeks had flushed, however, Phil got the feeling that maybe there was more to their situation than met the eye.

They were currently on the train, Dan sitting across from Phil with his headphones plugged in and a faraway look on his face as he peered out the window. Phil, on the other hand, was making hotel reservations on his phone, his heart hammering away in his chest.

His head had already begun to ache for the day, though it was only 6am, from the exertion Phil had placed on himself trying to remember something,  _anything_ , about his time in Manchester with Dan. For now, he was going to have to rely on Dan to take them down the familiar route they’d taken the first time they’d met in person, and hope that Dan would leave nothing out.

More than that, Phil was going to have to hope that he’d actually remember something. Very little so far had sparked his memory. There were dreams, of course, and the things Phil had forced himself to recover, but little else.

Even his bedroom hadn’t felt familiar in the whole time he’d spent in it, and both he and Dan had expected that to be a given.

They had two hours to go.

“Dan?” Phil called out hesitantly, nudging the other man with his toe when he didn’t respond. Dan turned to look at him, to which Phil smiled and mimed pulling off his headphones. Dan did so.

“What’s up?” he asked, though his voice sounded somewhat strangled.

“I just...you looked sad,” Phil responded, shrugging noncommittally. The truth was, he just didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts just then.

“Yeah, well, this isn’t exactly easy for me, Phil,” Dan said.

“It’s not easy for me either, Dan.”

“You aren’t the one who had to make this train ride in the first place.”

“And you aren’t the one trying to fix his mistakes.”

The words left Phil’s mouth accidentally, before he could stop himself. It wasn’t like it was a big secret that half the reason for this trip was for Phil to convince Dan to give things another go, but it had been an unspoken agreement that the two of them wouldn’t speak of it.

Now Phil had gone and mucked that up.

Dan turned away.

“Whatever,” he muttered, sliding his headphones back on. Phil bowed his head in regret.

\--

_And you aren't the one trying to fix his mistakes._  At least he knew what mistakes were made, Dan thought bitterly, letting his head thump against the window. It wasn't fair to Phil, for Dan to resent him because of the memory loss. That was hardly Phil's fault. It wasn't fair to Phil, but Dan couldn't help the feeling that was churning in his stomach.

The whole trip was a stupid waste of time; it was unlikely that Phil would regain any memories. Certainly nothing of sentimental value around the flat had helped.

No. It was a waste of Dan's time, and Phil's. Dan wasn't sure why Phil had wanted to come in the first place.

But two hours was a long time to sit in uncomfortable silence, and as much as Dan didn’t want to be back up in Manchester, where the ghosts of so many old memories still lingered, he didn’t want to spoil the trip for Phil either.

He promised himself he'd at least try to be pleasant. Phil deserved that much.

\--

"Where did we go after you got off the train?" Phil asked, looking around the station with wide eyes. Dan rubbed his head, ruffling his fringe.

"Starbucks," he answered easily. "We went to Starbucks."

Phil turned to face him, a grin playing with the corners of his lips. "Fancy a coffee?"

\--

Starbucks was crowded, not unusual for this time of day, but Dan was almost glad for the comfort of the mass of bodies. Usually he would hate it. Today...today it was a nice distraction.

Phil ordered (and paid) for both of them, caramel macchiatos, and it was so much like 2009, Dan couldn’t help but wonder if some of the details were slipping through, even if Phil didn’t necessarily remember them.

Dan sipped at his coffee gingerly, a comfortable silence falling between them. Phil was staring at the spot where  _their_  couch used to be, with the look on his face he gets when he thinks he might recognize something.

"That's where our couch used to be," Dan explained, unable to watch the other boy suffer for long. He was supposed to let Phil figure everything out on his own....

Phil nodded, though he still looked like he didn't understand, and Dan saw no need to bring up any one of the hours spent cuddling on that couch.

"Where did we go next?" Phil asked at last, giving up on trying to remember the couch.

"The Manchester eye."

\--

“What? How could they take it down!” Phil complained as the two of them made their up to the place where the Manchester eye used to stand, his eyes flitting about in a whirlwind of confusion. His head was starting to ache in that way it did when a memory was trying to surface, but nothing was coming through.

“I don’t know, they wanted to rebuild or something. You put up a pretty big fight about it, though,” Dan replied. Phil turned to look at him, but Dan was staring straight ahead, a strange look in his eye.

“I did?” Phil asked, hoping for more.

“Yeah. Went on a rampage on twitter,” Dan explained.

Phil stared at him, taking in the way Dan’s hands were trembling slightly at his sides, and wondering what that could mean about them. They’d taken as similar a route as Dan could remember in their adventures through town today, and nothing had affected Dan quite like this.

“Dan-”

“Come on, let’s go. We headed to your house after,” Dan said, cutting Phil off, and turning to walk away, but Phil caught his arm in his and pulled him to a stop. Dan still didn’t turn around. Phil’s heart was racing. They were on a precipice here, standing on the edge of something that Phil couldn’t remember, but which he knew was essential.

“Dan-”

“There’s nothing here, Phil! Obviously none of this is helping anyway, so what’s the point! This trip was a waste of time,” he grumbled, tearing his arm away from Phil and walking away. Phil stood rooted to the spot, a hurt frown on his face as he watched Dan leave.

There was an intense amount of pressure in Phil’s brain as he turned to look at the site where the Manchester Eye used to be once again, and wished he could remember something,  _anything_ , just for once today.

All he could manage was the thought of how devastated he was it no longer existed, and some part of him told him it wasn’t just present Phil who was upset at the lost chance of recovering a memory.

Finally turning back around, Phil hurried after Dan, catching up to him a few blocks away, panting as he did so.

“Wait up, Dan!” he called, stopping to brace himself on his knees and gather his breath. Dan stopped a few meters in front of him.

“Look,” Phil panted. “I realize how painful this must be for you, but can’t you just...Please, Dan. I know something happened back there, and it’s driving me crazy that I can’t remember-”

“Just drop it, Phil! It’s better if you don’t remember anyway!”

The words felt like a shot through the heart to Phil, who staggered backward as if he’d been hit. Dan’s face dropped the moment he realized what he’d said, but it was too late. Phil was turning to walk away, tears in his eyes.

“Wait, Phil, that’s not what I meant!” he cried.

“I know exactly what you meant, Dan! Maybe I should just go, start over somewhere else. I’m obviously not wanted here.”

“No, Phil, stop!” Dan replied, reaching out and stopping Phil with an arm to his shoulder. “Look, I’m sorry. This is all just really painful for me, okay?”  
  


“You think it’s not for me? My head has been pounding since we got here! I know there’s something I should be remembering, but I can’t! I’ve lost 6 years of time spent with my best friend, and now he’s giving me shit like it’s my fault! What do you expect me to do, Dan!?” Phil exclaimed, turning and throwing his hands in the air out of frustration. The tears had started to leak over, leaving wet marks down his cheeks that he was sure Dan could see, but Dan didn’t say anything.

Instead, he reached up to wipe them away. Phil flinched, and Dan dropped his hand.

“I’m sorry...I know this is hard for both of us. It’s just...frustrating. Look, I’m sure there’s another ferris wheel in town. Maybe riding one could help?” Dan offered, trying to make peace with Phil. Phil rubbed his hand against his face roughly, but nodded.

“Yeah, fine,” he replied, and fell into step besides Dan when the other started walking again.

They didn’t speak again.

\--

The view from the top of the ferris wheel was breathtaking, and Phil’s eyes were wide as he gazed out the window, hands pressed to the glass in amazement. It wasn’t even as if he’d never seen Manchester from so high up before, but it was always breathtaking to see Manchester all lit up at night.

“Woah, Dan. It’s beautiful,” Phil breathed, turning to flash Dan an open mouthed smile, only to find the other man staring at him with tears in his eyes.

“Yeah,” Dan replied, as Phil’s face fell, “it is.”

Turning around properly, Phil came face to face with Dan, his heart and head aching as he took in the devastated face of his best friend.

“Dan…” Phil murmured, reaching out to gently place one hand on top of Dan’s.

“I’m fine,” Dan replied, putting on a brave face, and moving his hands away from Phil’s. “Don’t worry about me. Do you remember anything?” he asked, turning away.

Phil dropped his gaze, and shook his head.

“That’s okay. It’s not a big deal, you know. Maybe you shouldn’t be trying so hard,” Dan said, babbling the way he only ever did when he was nervous.

  
That was definitely something Phil remembered, having heard him do the same thing a million times over millions of hours of skype calls, and it made Phil’s chest ache with pain.

“I’m sure you’re memories will come back if we give it some time,” he rambled, turning back from the window to smile brokenly at Phil.

Dan was fiddling nervously with his hands, and biting his lip with each lull in his ramble, fighting off tears, while Phil watched on, and it was those familiar movements that sparked something in Phil.

Before he could think about it, Phil said, “Dan?”

The other man looked up at him. “Yeah?”

Hesitating for only a moment, Phil said “I think this is the part where you kiss me,” and waited with baited breath for a response.

It only took a moment before Dan gasped, the noise a sharp sound in the carriage as his eyes opened wide in shock.

Both boys sat frozen, staring at each other, as the tears in Dan’s eyes suddenly began to flow over and down his cheeks.

“Phil…” Dan murmured as he choked back a sob. Heart beating wildly in his chest, Phil watched as the heartbreak in Dan’s eyes slowly changed to frustration, and then finally, determination. Surging forward, Dan placed his hands on Phil’s shoulders roughly, and, only hesitating for a moment, crashed their mouths together.

The movement was so sudden and rough that Phil’s head nearly crashed back against the window behind him. Nevertheless, the feeling was somehow familiar, even though it was definitely not, and it just felt  _so right_  kissing Dan that Phil melted into it immediately, tears streaming down his cheeks of their own accord.

His head was fit to bursting with pain, but he didn’t care when he had Dan’s hands on his face, and his lips on his mouth. Phil’s own hands were finding their way to Dan’s hips, like they’d been there before, and Dan was pressing his tongue against Phil’s mouth in such a way that he was forced to open up to him.

It was all so familiar, even when it was not, and some part of Phil knew this wasn’t quite right, but he didn’t care as he let Dan lick into his mouth, a soft, breathy noise pulling from his throat.

And then it was over, and Phil’s heart was flipping over in his chest, and Dan was resting his forehead against Phil’s with a look on his face like this whole situation was killing him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I’m very sorry this was late tonight guys! I would usually queue, but as I said earlier (if you follow me on my [tumblr](http://insanityplaysfics.tumblr.com) you would have seen a post updating and explaining the reason behind the delay in today's update), I’ve worked double shifts all weekend and therefore had no time to really prepare to post before now. I hope you guys enjoy todays chapter! Update on Wednesday, and thanks as always to our awesome betas mostlikelyprocrastinating and justanotherlittlefangirlll

Dan hadn't meant to do it. It had been spontaneous, so much like it had been back in 2009. Phil had even said the same stupid thing.

_"It's beautiful." Phil said, turning to glance at Dan._

_"You're beautiful," Dan replied, blushing. He was never that forward. And yeah, he and Phil had flirted and hinted that maybe, maybe they were more than friends. But Dan couldn't help but feel like he was crossing a line._

_Before Phil had time to form a reply, Dan had darted across the carriage and pressed a light kiss to his lips. It was a peck, nothing more, but it sent sparks of electricity down his spine._

_Phil reached out, placing his hands on Dan's waist like they were made to be there, and then their lips were pressed together once again._

Dan couldn't _not_ kiss him. But it was stupid. He was stupid. Because Phil - Phil might say how he felt but he didn't _know._ Phil didn't remember fights at three in the morning and two week long silent treatments.

But the other half of Dan, the half he'd been trying to ignore, wondered what would happen if Phil never got all of his memories back. Maybe it was a fresh start. Maybe that's what they both deserved.

\--

"Fuck," Dan muttered, leaning his forehead against Phil's. "I missed this," he said softly, brushing the side of Phil's face with the tips of his fingers. "I missed you."

He could feel Phil playing with the hem of his t-shirt, could feel the puff of air as the other boy exhaled.

"I remember," Phil started softly, "you kissing me, and then I," Phil said, pulling Dan even closer, "did this." He reattached the kiss, his lips moving against Dan's in a way that made Dan forget everything that was _wrong, wrong, wrong_ with their lives. All that mattered was Phil's lips on his.

"Where did we go next?" Phil asked with a cheeky grin as he pulled away, letting his hands slide into Dan's back pockets.

"You're house," Dan answered slightly breathless. "But, really," he said, bending to attach his lips to Phil's neck, "a hotel is the next best thing."

\--

They stumbled through the door the minute Phil got the key in the lock, Dan’s arms wrapped around Phil’s neck, and Phil’s hands pressed into Dan’s hips. Their mouths were locked together, both men’s eyes screwed shut with want and desire.

It didn’t take long for Phil to kick the door closed, and to press Dan up against a wall, his heart hammering in his chest at the oddly familiar motions.

His head was pounding, and he was dizzy from both all the blood rushing south, and the sudden influx of thought, and feeling, and _memory_. Sensory memory, and words, images that Phil couldn’t place but which were causing his breathing to constrict.

There was just too much, and it was all coming back to him in droves, attacking him from all sides. At the same time, he was so preoccupied with how it felt to kiss Dan for the first time, that it was overwhelming.

“Dan, Dan, wait,” Phil mumbled against Dan’s lips, groaning as he forced his mouth down and away, pressing his face into Dan’s shirt and trying to keep himself from ripping his clothes off and away.

His world was spinning, and it was like a kaleidoscope of unfamiliar images flashing before Phil’s eyes, mixing with reality and blurring the lines.

He could see it, all that tanned skin spread out before him, face screwed up in pleasure, his hair long like it used to be and covering his blushing cheeks.

Phil’s duvet should be spread out underneath him, his fingers curling into the fabric with each unsteady breath, and Phil...Phil could _taste_ him, and it hurt so much.

It hurt so much because everything was all _wrong_ , and his heart was racing in his chest, and he could feel Dan’s hands on him, but something was _wrong_.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked, panting as he slid one hand up the back of Phil’s shirt, and the other down to his hip.

“It’s too much,” Phil replied, pressing his face tighter against Dan, and pressing his hands against the wall on either side of him. “It’s...there’s so much. Dan,” he whimpered, and then his world went black.

\--

When he came to, he knew he was on the bed.

Groaning, he opened his eyes, pressing the heels of his palms against his eye sockets to ease some of the ever-present pain in his head.

Beside him, someone shifted their weight, causing the bed to tip and move.

“How are you feeling?” a familiar voice whispered, and Phil finally opened his eyes only to find darkness.

“Dan?” he asked, his voice unusually terrified. “Dan?” he asked again, this time the word catching in his throat.

“Shh, shh, I’m right here,” the same voice from before murmured. The bed shifted again, and then Dan was there, clutching at Phil’s hand with strong, tanned fingers. Phil peered up at him, swallowing thickly, and squeezed back.

“Fuck, Dan,” Phil whimpered, rolling so that he was pressed against Dan’s knees and he could hide his face.

“What’s happening to me?” he asked.

“The doctors said it might hurt to remember...that it might be too much,” Dan responded, carding his fingers through Phil’s hair now. “They didn’t want to stress you out too much, but they warned me...that that might happen.”

Phil untucked his face from Dan to peer up at him cautiously.

“Did I ruin everything, again?”

Dan didn’t answer, and Phil sighed, gripping tight to the fabric of Dan’s jeans because he didn’t want to let go.

The images pressed against the backs of his eyes were gone, but his world still felt tilted and wrong, spinning slightly around the edges. He was tired. So, _so_ tired, and his head still ached, but the world was settling down, and that was all that mattered.

That, and making sure he hadn’t fucked everything up again.

“What did you remember, Phil?” Dan asked before Phil could open his mouth again.

“...When we first met, I - we…Dan, did we…?”

Instead of answering, Dan nodded, and dropped his gaze.

“Yeah. I mean, I guess it was my fault. I was all over you the moment you kissed me back, so you really shouldn’t blame yourself, Phil. I know you regret it-”

“Regret it?” Phil asked, cutting Dan off and forcing himself to sit up. He had to steady himself on Dan’s shoulder, but he didn’t care about that.

“What do you mean, ‘regret it’?”

“Well...the next morning, you wouldn’t even look at me. You barely said a word to me until I threatened to leave,” Dan explained. “Do you not remember that part?”

It wasn’t in Phil’s imagination that Dan’s words sounded bitter.

“Dan…” Phil groaned, dropping his forehead onto his best friends shoulder. “I remember it felt _wrong_ , like I was taking advantage of you,” he continued, clearly struggling with the mesh of images and feelings still scrambled in his head, “But I _know_ I didn’t regret it afterwards...I don’t know why I ignored you, but...I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, Phil. I told you this wasn’t going to work between us-”

“Stop!” Phil demanded then, sitting up abruptly, despite the spinning that caused in his head. “You might think you know me better than I know myself right now, Dan Howell, but I can promise you that you’re _wrong_ ,” he hissed, pressing his forehead against Dan’s roughly, and reaching up to cup his cheek.

“I _wanted_ what happened between us. I know I did. I’ve been dreaming about it for _months_ , Dan! That’s something I do remember! I just...it was the first time I was seeing you in person,” he said, trailing off at the end, and closing his eyes slowly.

Taking a deep breath, Phil continued. “I was so scared of mucking it up, and look what I did in the long run. I was getting everything I wanted, and yet still...nothing turned out,” he said.

Dan didn’t reply, but he did stop resisting being pressed so close to Phil.

“I’m so tired, Dan,” Phil whispered then. “And my head hurts. Promise me in the morning, we’ll talk about this, and you _won’t_ disregard my feelings just because I remember less than you.”

“Okay,” Dan agreed, and then Phil was yanking the other man in for a soft kiss.

It was chaste, this time. Nothing more than a pressing of lips against one another, but it was comforting, and nice, and everything Phil had ever dreamed of.

\--

Phil had fallen asleep against his shoulder, but Dan had shifted, placing the other boy back to his place amongst the pillows. His fingers constantly locked and unlocked his phone, unsure whether he should call 999. Even though he had been warned that something like this could happen, Dan couldn't help but feel nauseous.

Phil had _fainted_. Phil had fainted because of Dan, maybe not directly, but Dan was the source of the memories plaguing Phil.

And he was an odd mixture of nervous and guilty, it wasn't a pleasant feeling. But in a way, he was almost _content._ Because Phil had said that he didn't regret it. For six years, Dan worried that he had made the worst mistake of his life at the top of the Manchester eye. To be told otherwise, was, frankly, a relief.

Dan reached over, brushing his fingers through Phil's hair.

For the first time since Phil had proclaimed his intention to win him back, Dan thought that maybe, just maybe, he would be okay with that.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so the update is a little early today as I might not have access to a computer later - but I figured that you wouldn’t mind :)

When Dan awoke he could tell that he had one arm tossed across Phil's body and his phone squashed underneath the other. Phil's back was warm against Dan's chest, and Dan allowed himself to breathe in the familiar scent. **  
**

He hadn't been allowed to do anything like this in a long time.

He felt Phil move, and then the other boy turned over suddenly. Big blue eyes were suddenly staring up at him, with far too much intelligence shining in them for it being so early in the morning.

Without Phil having to say anything, Dan reached over, and groped for Phil's glasses from where he had left them on the bedside table, before pushing the thick black frames onto the other boy's face.

"Good morning," Phil said, giving his little grin, his tongue poking out from the side of his mouth.

"Good morning," Dan said softly back, brushing Phil's fringe back.  "I could get used to this."

"I like that idea," Phil said, reaching to intertwine his fingers with Dan's.  

"You were never taking advantage of me, you know," Dan said. "It was something I  _wanted_."

"But you were so much younger, and you were barely out of high school," Phil said.

"Phil, our age difference hasn't changed," Dan replied, though his voice was light with laughter.

"It's different," Phil said stubbornly. "I didn't want to pressure you into anything."

"If anything, I was the one pressuring you," Dan muttered, though he wasn't sure that Phil had heard him.

\--

Waking up pressed against Dan was everything Phil had ever wanted. Being back in Manchester, actually  _talking_  to his best friend...it’s what Phil had been expecting to happen the morning he’d woken up in the hospital, only to have the rude awakening of reality shoved down his throat.

Reaching out gently, Phil cupped his hand to Dan’s cheek because he knew he  _could_.

“You weren’t pressuring me. I always knew what I wanted, Dan,” Phil assured him with a gentle grin. “I just wasn’t sure if you knew what  _you_  wanted.”

Dan didn’t answer, but Phil didn’t need him to. He was already shifting his weight forward so he could press his lips to Dan’s again, effectively cutting off anything he might have wanted to say in the first place.

It came as a relief to Phil when Dan immediately pressed back. He wasn’t sure how much longer he’d have the luxury to do this, what with Dan still being on the fence with starting over, so he enjoyed it while he could, both men ignoring the fact that neither of them had brushed their teeth yet.

Eventually, they pulled away, sporting sappy, sleepy grins.

Despite still being groggy, Phil could remember last night with full clarity, and knew they still needed to talk. There was still one thing nagging at the back of his mind, and, in the hopes that it might help clear the air, he brought it up.

“Uhm...so, what ever happened to Sarah?” he asked hesitantly.

“Sarah?” Dan asked, clearly confused. “My ex? Phil, I haven’t spoken to her since we broke up.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Phil replied, though he couldn’t help but to feel relieved. The feeling was unconscious, and definitely not his. “I mean. Well. You dated her for three years before meeting me.”

Phil could see the moment the realization dawned on Dan’s face.

“Oh my...oh my God, Phil. Are you kidding me?” Dan asked, sitting up and pulling away from Phil as his face split into a grin. “All this time, you were afraid you were just a rebound?” he asked, dissolving into loud laughter the moment the words had left his mouth.

Phil, meanwhile, was trying not to blush, or get offended.

“I never told you that before?” he asked, because he needed to know.

Dan shook his head, still laughing. “Never.”

“There you go, then,” he responded, sitting up as well and ruffling his hair uncomfortably. “Does that explain why I might have been so nervous? I wanted things between us to be real, Dan.”

Dan’s laughter quieted down, and Phil could feel him shuffling closer until their bare toes were touching.

“They were real, Phil,” Dan replied softly, taking Phil’s hand in his again. “They still are.”

Phil smiled gratefully up at him.

“I hope so.”

\--

They lounged around quietly for a half an hour before mutually deciding it was time to get up and eat breakfast. They could talk more later, now that they actually were talking.

“And no more stressing your mind, Phil! You need to take a break after last night’s episode," Dan had scolded him.

Phil, all too conscious of the guilt behind the words, had only nodded in acquiescence, rather than bothering to argue.

“Yeah, yeah,” he’d replied, and then the bathroom door was being slammed shut as Dan jumped in the shower.

Picking up the landline in the room, Phil rung room service, and ordered absentmindedly, too preoccupied with the events of the past few days to really consider what he was doing.

Once the call was over, he plopped back down on the hotel bed, and stretched his limbs out until they’d popped.

Last night...well, they hadn’t had sex, but Phil still felt like they  _had_. The memory was still fresh in his mind, after all. All his senses were still partially inflamed with the taste, scent,  _feel_  of Dan, and every time he let his mind wander, he found himself reliving more and more parts of that night so many years ago.

How it’d felt to be pressed up against Dan for the first time, the way their mouths fit together, how he sounded when he moaned Phil’s name -

Groaning softly, Phil rolled over to press his ever-growing erection into the covers of the bed, rolling his hips gently because he just couldn’t help himself. The way Dan sounded in his memory was just so strong,  _so present_ , mixing with the way Dan had been panting against him  _just last night_.

_This is so wrong_ , Phil thought, even as he continued to press his hips against the bed, aching for friction. His head felt all fuzzy, but this time, it wasn’t because he was remembering something. This time, it was because he was overcome with pleasure.

He wanted so, so badly to reach down and press a palm against himself, but he didn’t. Instead, he gripped the soft fabric of the rumbled sheets of the bed beneath him between his fingers, and pressed himself down needily, hiding his moans in the pillow his face was pressed against.

The shower was still running, and Phil could smell Dan’s deodorant against the bed sheets. He could remember the way Dan’s skin felt underneath his fingertips, and how his cock had tasted on his tongue, and the way he’d moaned for Phil when he’d gotten his fingers deep inside and -

And everything was pressing against Phil again, the memory so strong he could actually feel himself thrusting in and out of Dan, grasping at the pillows underneath him as Dan grasped at his hair. His breathing was broken and ragged, and Dan was just  _sucking_  him in, so  _tight_  -

The shower shut off at the same time as Phil came.

\--

Dan leaned forward, squinting at his reflection in the foggy mirror. His hobbit hair hung in damp curls around his head, and, fighting a groan, Dan reached for the blow dryer that hung from the wall.

Ten minutes later, with considerably drier (though no less curly) hair, Dan pulled open the bathroom door.

Phil was pulling on a pair of jeans, practically jumping to pull the skintight material up.

"Getting dressed, already?" Dan asked with a smirk, crossing the room to place a soft kiss to Phil's neck.

Phil groaned, "Yes."

"But why?" Dan whined.

"Because I believe we have a train to catch."

"Shit," Dan swore, "I forgot that we were leaving today!"

"I figured," Phil responded with a grin, his tongue playing peek-a-boo. Unable to resist, Dan darted forward, pressing a soft kiss to Phil's lips.

"I guess I'd better start packing, then."

"But first, let's eat."

"And we can talk more at home, okay?" Dan said, giving Phil a small smile, "I promise."

\--

The train ride back to London was quiet, but not uncomfortably so. Rather, they had finally formed some kind of peace between them.

It felt rather like 2009 had, Dan mused. Though he didn't dwell on those thoughts long. He didn't particularly care to remember what came next.

They were sitting side by side, Phil's shoulder pressed against Dan's own. Dan was tempted to reach over and pick up Phil's hand, just because he could, but the presence of other people on the train reminded him to not do anything rash. They had enough problems without the internet to deal with.

Which reminded Dan. "Um, Phil, I got a text a couple of days ago. And I know that you probably don't remember them, but lots of your friends - our friends, want to know how you're doing."

"We have other friends?" Phil asked, only half joking.

Dan nodded, "Lots of other YouTubers."

"I have to check out their videos," Phil muttered, obviously more to himself than to Dan.

"No, Phil, they want to see  _you_."

\--

The prospect of seeing friends that Phil didn’t even know was honestly nerve wracking, but what was even more frightening was the guilt and the fear of talking to Dan later on when they got home. So far, Dan had continued the affectionate touches, and Phil had been quick enough to clean himself up that morning before Dan had finished drying his hair, but still.

Phil felt like he’d done something wrong by touching himself like that, masturbating to the thought of his friend. What was worse was that he couldn’t tell if Dan was on the verge of changing his mind about their relationship or not, and so the guilt at his actions continued to eat at his mind.

They hadn’t properly talked about their relationship yet. In fact, all they’d done so far was be physical, and imply the desire to be  _more_.

Which, of course Phil wanted. But he was all too aware that he wasn’t the same Phil that Dan was accustomed to being around anymore. He was all too aware that, though they’d managed to touch on a few fair bases concerning where their relationship had gone wrong the first time around, there were still memories Phil was missing about whatever else had gone wrong.

How many hurtful things had they said to each other over the years? How many times had Phil fucked up, and why had he felt the need to do so?

The only good sign so far was the fact that these lost memories obviously weren’t impossible to overcome. Whatever Phil had done to Dan, well...Phil still had time to apologize, and make it better.

It was nearly 6pm when their train finally pulled into the London train station, and both boys were quiet as they exited the platform. Dan was sending Phil soft little looks, and sweet smiles, despite avoiding touching him as they made their way to the street to hail a taxi.

It was reassuring, and Phil didn’t take offense to it.

Some part of his mind vaguely remembered them making the decision together, that, wherever their relationship went, it would remain private between the both of them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remembered to post today! Lol, I don’t know why Sunday’s make me forget, but it’s fine. I think you’ll enjoy today’s update :) Update on Wednesday, and thanks as always to our awesome betas mostlikelyprocrastinatingandjustanotherlittlefangirlll

The minute they were through the door to their apartment, Phil dropped his luggage and pulled Dan into a swift hug, nuzzling his face into Dan’s neck and reveling in how much taller his best friend had somehow managed to become over the years.

Dan was quick to hug him back, chuckling into his hair softly.

“What was that for?” he asked, when Phil pulled away.

“Nothing. I just wanted to hug you,” he explained, though his body was buzzing with nerves. Really, he was just scared he wouldn’t get the chance to do that again.

They were home now, after all, and it was stupid to put the inevitable off any longer.

“So...when did those friends want to see me?” Phil asked, averting his eyes as he picked up his luggage and headed to his bedroom.

 _So much for not putting off the inevitable_ , he thought to himself.

“Not sure yet. They’re waiting for permission from me. We can talk about it later, when you’re ready,” Dan assured him, following after quietly. Phil nodded his head.

“Okay,” he agreed, pushing his door open the moment he was in front of it. He turned at the last minute to give Dan one last smile, and then he walked inside and let the door close softly behind him.

His eyes were wide and terrified as he stared blankly at the empty wood in front of him once it was shut, almost expecting Dan to follow him inside. He didn’t.

Instead, he could hear Dan shuffling past him and into his own bedroom, and he pressed his forehead against his door with a heavy sigh of relief.

He didn’t know what he was doing with himself, at that point, even as he turned and began to unpack his bag, settling on his bed once he was done.

His body was tense. The two of them hadn’t _talked_ yet, after all, and Phil was stupid for having put it off. He should have brought it up the minute they’d walked into the house, and yet he’d sidetracked them both by bringing up their other youtuber friends instead.

Dan had gone along with it easily enough. Did that mean he didn’t want to talk about it? Was he already changing his mind? Had Phil ruined everything _again_ before it had even started?

A knock at his bedroom door immediately derailed his thoughts.

“May I come in?” Dan asked.

“Of course!” Phil responded immediately, trembling imperceptibly as Dan walked in and made his way over to Phil on the bed. Once he’d reached Phil’s side, he settled down cross-legged beside him with a good two feet of space between them, a sheepish look on his face.

“So,” he started, “we need to talk about our relationship,” he said. His hands were visibly trembling in his lap, which, for some reason, served to calm Phil down some.

“Yeah,” he agreed, taking a deep breath and nodding at Dan. “Let’s do this,” he said, smiling softly in an attempt to alleviate Dan’s nerves. Dan smiled back at him, but it was tense.

They were both silent, then, waiting for the other to begin.

They opened their mouths at the same time, but no sound came out and they both ended up dissolving into awkward laughter.

“You first,” Phil insisted, voice wracked with nerves.

“Okay,” Dan agreed, clearing his throat uncomfortably. “Clearly,” he began, swallowing nervously, “I can’t stay away from you. Not now, not then, not ever,” he said. 

Phil looked at him, hope rising in his chest, and waited for Dan to continue. Dan swallowed nervously again.

“It’s obvious we both want this,” he continued, after a moment. “It’s obvious we’ve both _always_ wanted this,” he added with a stilted chuckle. “But, Phil...I need you to understand how hard this is for me. There’s a...lot of history between us that you don’t remember, and that’s fine! I understand that! And I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt on this one, but, look, Phil,” Dan said, stopping to take a deep breath, before meeting Phil’s gaze again.

“You already broke my heart once, and I’m scared to death that you’re going to do it again,” he confessed, looking away at the end of his statement to hide the tears Phil had already seen forming in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Dan,” Phil said, when Dan didn’t continue. “But...I’m really thankful that you’re willing to take my word for it, in all of this, and...I’m willing to try again, if you are,” he offered with a shy grin.

\--

Dan studied his hands, unwilling and unable to meet Phil's gaze. Because he wanted to rush in blindly, to pretend that it was 2009 all over again when everything was fresh and new and exciting, _god, did he want that._ Logically, his head was telling him that it didn't make sense - why would he rush back into something that had barely happened in the first place? But his heart was pounding in his chest, and he knew with every fiber of his being that Phil was his other half (and if Dan felt like being particularly cheesy- soulmate). Why on earth would he waste that chance?

This could be their fresh start, if he wanted it to be.

Dan's eyes flickered up, settling on Phil's lips. Taking a deep breath, he darted forward, pressing his lips to the other boy's softly.

Pulling back just slightly, Dan raised his eyes to meet Phil's, placing his hand on the other boy's cheek. "I'd like that."

Phil grinned.

\--

Dan leaned back, letting the office chair rock slightly (and he was just asking to fall out of it again, he knew). He had the editing software pulled up on the computer, mostly a force of habit since he didn't have any videos to edit. Just seeing the familiar program was enough for the time being, and Dan was still loath to break the silent rule he and Phil had about avoiding social media.

"What are you doing?" Phil asked, appearing in the doorway with two cups of coffee.

"Nothing," Dan answered honestly, accepting one of the cups gratefully. "I was going to edit, before remembering that I didn't _have_ anything to edit."

"Oh," Phil said simply, sitting in the chair next to Dan, the one Phil had always used for the gaming videos, Dan remembered.

Dan leaned forward, aiming to set the cup of coffee on the desk. But as he had previously predicted, he tilted too far and the chair toppled to the ground. Luckily Dan avoided getting burning hot coffee on himself, he ended up laying on the floor next to a nice sized puddle.

"Shit," he muttered, taking in the mess he had made. Turning to face Phil, and expecting to be met with laughter and groans in equal measure, Dan was surprised to find Phil staring at the overturned chair as if he had seen a ghost.

"You've done that before," he said softly. "We were filming, and you got scared. Fell out of the chair," Phil muttered, more to himself than Dan.

Dropping into a crouch to face his friend instead of cleaning up the mess on the floor, Dan brushed Phil's hair off his face.

"Phil, did you just remember something?"

\--

It was fuzzy, but it was there: an echo of this exact moment, almost like deja vu. Phil didn’t answer Dan. Instead, he stared with unfocused eyes at the spot of spilled coffee on the ground, where before, Dan had been splayed out.

Dan’s soft hand pressing against his cheek was the only thing to bring him out of the moment, and he finally looked up to find Dan smiling gently at him.

“You remembered something,” he said, and then laughed as he pulled Phil into an unexpected hug.

“It’s not the first time,” Phil mumbled into Dan’s t-shirt, but gladly hugged him back.

“No, it’s not,” Dan agreed. “But it does give me hope that things are getting better.”

Phil could do nothing but agree.

\--

“Are you sure about this, Phil?” Dan asked him, standing awkwardly behind the tripod as he set up the camera and the lights for Phil.

“Yes, Dan. For the millionth time, I’m sure,” Phil responded, face set and determined. “I can’t leave all the bills to you, even if you _are_ making more money than me now, and...well, I know the fans are dying to hear from me.”

Dan nodded in response, and, with a heavy sigh, pressed the button to start recording.

Mimicking him, Phil took a deep breath and sighed as well, reaching up to ruffle his too-short hair, and then he plastered a smile onto his face and lifted up his right hand in a wave.

“Hey guys!” he started, and then launched into his planned little spiel while Dan watched on from behind the counter, his encouraging smile the only thing keeping Phil going.

“The internet’s a little overwhelming for me right now, seeing as there’s at least 1 and half million more of you than I last remember,” Phil said with a chuckle, glancing up awkwardly at Dan as he spoke. “So for now, Dan’s going to be, uh, helping me out while I get back on my feet,” he explained.

“Some days I won’t be able to handle all of this, so some days it’ll just be Dan, but I’m hoping to...I’m not sure what I’m hoping for, if I’m honest, guys,” Phil admitted sheepishly. “But I promise you’re not getting rid of me that easily. As I distinctly remember saying, I plan on being on Youtube _forever_.”

Phil made a funny face after that, and then he dropped his hands and sighed deeply again.

“That was great, Phil,” Dan said, shutting off the camera and making his way to Phil’s side. “I’m sure everyone will understand.”

“Do you think - do you think you could handle the comments? I don’t think…”

“Of course, Phil.”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

\--

Dan scrolled through the comments on Phil's latest videos, which had already become one of his most viewed. Almost all of the fans were genuinely concerned for Phil, but Dan's mind was elsewhere.

Because when Phil had remembered both the kiss in Manchester and filming the gaming video, the events had been triggered by a repeat of the memory. And Dan wasn't supposed to meddle, _he wasn't,_ but if he happened to _accidentally_ repeat some things that had already occurred and Phil happened to remember something, well that would be okay. Wouldn't it?

Dan was sick of doing nothing, because he was in love with Phil Lester, and Phil didn't even know half of the reasons why.

So maybe it wouldn't be such a big problem if Dan just helped speed up the process of getting Phil's memory back.

\--

Okay so maybe setting Cher Lloyd's song Oath as his phone ringtone had been a little extreme.

But Phil _had_ looked slightly confused the first time Dan's phone went off. Though whether that was from simple inability to tell what was causing the noise or the actual ghost of a memory, Dan wasn't sure.

In the mean time, Dan was encouraging Phil to watch their friends’ videos. So, if nothing else, he'd at least be able to match a name to a face when he finally saw (met?) them again.

Dan would be lying if he said that he hadn't been hoping Phil would remember something. But then he felt jealous, because why would Phil remember the other youtubers over him? Still, the truth of the matter was that it hardly mattered since Phil had given no signs of any new memories since the other day.

But Dan wasn't going to give up.

Not by a long shot.

 


	9. Chapter Nine

Dan had been acting weird lately. Phil couldn’t exactly place a finger on  _how_  he was acting weird, but he knew his best friend, even if they’d never actually met in person in Phil’s memory. Some part of Phil still  _knew_  Dan, and so he  _knew_  Dan was acting weird. **  
**

Even if he couldn’t say why.

Lately, Dan would do something seemingly random, or out of place, and then send Phil a look like he was expecting some kind of reaction, only to have his face fall when Phil did nothing but stare awkwardly and confusedly back. Phil had taken to ignoring it, for the most part, though curiosity burned at the back of his mind with each disappointed look painted across Dan’s face.

He hated to see his boyfriend sad.

Boyfriend. Fuck, Phil felt amazing being allowed to use that word, even if it was only in his head. He had the urge to call Charlie up, to tell him the good news, each time he realized that Dan was his _boyfriend_  again, but Dan had warned him that he and Charlie hadn’t been on good terms since 2010.

He hadn’t been able to explain why, but Phil felt a strange ache in his chest at the thought of it.

It didn’t escape his notice that his boyfriend ( _boyfriend_ , holy shit) got a weird look on his face each and every time Phil brought up Charlie, but it was no weirder than the way Dan was behaving  _now_  anyway.

Only it gave Phil more insight than Dan’s random looks of disappointment. Clearly, Charlie was a sore spot with them. Maybe Phil shouldn’t touch it.

“Dan?” Phil called, biting his lip as he stared, entranced, at a female youtuber’s face on his laptop screen, her voice sending tremors of memory down his spine that he couldn’t quite place.

Charlie, and Dan’s odd behavior, were shoved to the back of his mind as he listened to her speak.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked as he came into the room, brow furrowed in confusion. Phil had practically  _forced_  him out of the room earlier when he’d first started browsing through his subscriptions, because Dan literally couldn’t shut up, so Phil understood why Dan might be concerned.

“I just - Sprinkleofglitter, Louise, she’s a close friend of ours, isn’t she?” Phil asked, still focused on the pretty woman's face, waiting anxiously for Dan’s answer.

“Yeah, we’re pretty close. She’s almost as awkward as me, and has even managed to weird out you on a few occasions,” Dan replied with a soft chuckle, making his way over to Phil’s side. “Why?” he asked.

“Could I meet her?”

\--

Louise was just as pretty in person as she was through video, and her voice equally warm and inviting. Phil felt at home the minute she entered the lounge, smiling softly at him.

Phil’s face immediately spread into a wide grin.

“Louise,” he greeted, standing to give her a hug.

“Hi, Phil,” Louise greeted, wrapping her arms tightly around Phil in the first motherly hug Phil had gotten in a long time. He sighed into it, before pulling away.

“Dan looked pretty put out that you were sending him away for our meeting today, Phil. He said you didn’t really remember me yet, but clearly there’s something. Is there anyway I can help you?” Louise said, getting straight to the heart of the matter before they could even sit down on the sofa.

Phil only stared at her wide-eyed for a moment, but quickly relaxed. This wasn’t strange, or new to him. This was just Louise.

Phil chuckled, turning to sit on the sofa and patting the seat beside him to encourage Louise to join him.

“Yeah, actually. There’s not really anyone else I can talk to, other than Dan of course, but...I was watching your videos, and I remember that I used to feel like I could come to you,” Phil started, watching and waiting for some kind of change in Louise’s expression. None came. Louise only continued to stare at him sympathetically, and Phil got the feeling she knew exactly what he’d come to talk to her about.

Before he could say anything, Louise spoke up.

“Yes. We used to talk about your feelings for Dan, quite a lot. Bit of a mess you made,” she said softly, sadly. “I assume that’s what you’re remembering?”

Phil could do nothing more than nod mutely, feeling tears prick at the backs of his eyes. Louise patted his leg with a small smile.

“It’s alright, Phil. I understand. I know you must be confused, all things considered. It’s been a six year journey you’re missing out on.”

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, sighing as he ran a hand through his fringe. Just being around Louise was making his head pound, and part of it was due to the overwhelming feeling of anguish rising in his gut all of a sudden.

He blinked back tears and turned to look at her.

“What happened, Louise?”

Louise smiled sadly.

“So much, Phil. So much,” she replied, and pulled Phil in for a hug.

The tears streamed down his cheeks then, and he could do nothing but hug Louise back.

\--

“It’s not like - we...I mean, I don’t know if Dan wanted you to know, but...he’s given me another chance,” Phil explained, ringing his hands together. “I don’t know what I did, and there’s a long list of memories and wrong doings that I’m missing but...I know I fucked up. I know I regretted it. And clearly you know too, if I’ve spent so much time venting to you over the years, and I just. Louise, I need help.”

“Of course you do, Phil. You always did. And I’m always going to be here for you, but…”

“But.” Phil repeated, sighing.

“Look. Dan told me we’re not supposed to interfere, and as happy as I am for you getting this second chance, there’s not much I can do but listen. It’s not good for your recovery if I try and fill in the gaps for you. But just know, I’ll always be here for you. You can still call me anytime, I’m sure I’m on speed dial,” Louise explained with a sad smile, her eyes glistening with her own unshed tears.

Phil managed a smile for her. “Yeah...I know you’re right,” he agreed, but inside, he felt like curling up and dying.

He’d really, really hoped...he didn’t know what he’d hoped. He just wanted answers so, so badly, and none were forthcoming.

“Maybe you should stop fighting so hard to fix the past, and work on making the future brighter, instead,” Louise suggested then. “The memories will come back, but...even if you can’t remember what you did wrong, I don’t think you’re going to make the same mistakes twice. Not when we both know how badly you regretted it.”

Phil knew she was right, but it was hard when all he wanted to do was make amends.

\--

"How was your talk with Louise?" Dan asked, cleaning up the rest of the dishes that were piled in the sink. After he had left Phil and Louise to their privacy earlier, Dan had insisted that Louise stay for dinner to catch up. It had been ages since they'd see each other after all.

"It was good, I think," Phil said, passing a towel to Dan, "I felt like I knew her, wasn't sure exactly how."

Dan smiled. "Well, it's a start."

Phil nodded. "But we have other friends that we're closer to?" he asked, "Like Peej? But I remember him because we'd already been friends."

"Yeah, we're close with Peej. We should probably have him round, I'm sure he misses you," Dan said. "But don't push yourself, okay?"

"I won't, I promise."

\--

"Good morning," Dan whispered, picking his head up from where it was laying on Phil's chest. "Did we fall asleep out here?"

The two of them were pressed out on their couch, their legs tangled together. Apparently they hadn't finished the movie they'd been watching the night before, leading to uncomfortable aches from cramming onto the tiny couch.

"Good morning," Phil replied, brushing Dan's fringe off of his face so that he could press his lips to the other boy's forehead.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep," Dan said, shifting so that Phil could move. "You can't have been comfortable."

"Nah, it was fine," Phil disagreed, twisting his fingers into Dan's curly (ugh, curly!) hair. He looked thoughtful for a few seconds, tugging on the strands.

"Hey, Dan," he said at last, "do you remember when your hair was almost down to your shoulders?"

"You mean my 2012 haircut?" Dan asked, laughing. A grin stretched across his face, "that would be the thing you'd remember Phillip Michael."

\--

"I'm going to take a shower," Dan said at last, after he had wiped the last tears of laughter from his eyes.

"Save me some hot water," Phil called, and Dan could feel Phil's eyes following him as he left the room.

"Or you could come join me," Dan called cheekily, biting his lip as soon as the words had tumbled out of his mouth.

Oops.

\--

Phil’s eyes went wide at Dan’s teasing comment, but he was quick to jump up off of the couch and follow Dan into the bathroom anyway, more eager than he’d care to admit. The memory of his and Dan’s first time was still fresh in his mind, as was his own private...moment at the hotel only a few weeks ago. He couldn’t help the blood already pooling down below, nor could he help his excitement.

The fact that the door to the bathroom had been left cracked open only assured Phil that Dan hadn’t been kidding when he’d invited Phil to join him, and so he pushed the door open cautiously, hearing the water turn on as he did so.

A quick look inside revealed Dan’s clothes already pooled in a heap on the ground. The shower doors were closed, but Phil could see Dan’s outline through the thin, frosted glass as he shut the door behind him. His mouth went dry at the sight, the ever-present headache he’d had since the accident beginning to pound aggressively behind his eyes.

His heart was racing in his chest already, but he felt better, stronger, than he had the last time he and Dan had nearly had sex. His condition wouldn’t send him into a medical emergency this time, and for that, Phil was grateful.

Besides, they didn’t have to do anything indecent today. Showering together could be its own intimate experience without sexual pleasure coming into the mix. Not to say Phil wouldn’t be up for it, because he’d been dreaming about it for what felt like ages now - since before he’d even invited Dan to come meet him for the first time. His body remembered the ache for much longer, though, and already knew the taste of Dan rather intimately, while Phil only had a very  _sensory_  memory of it that that made his blood thump loudly in his veins.

The thought of it made Phil take in a rather shuddery breath, his erection forming quickly in his jeans.

“Phil?” Dan finally called out, his voice echoing strangely through the shower door. “Are you going to come in here, or not?”

“Yes,” Phil responded, his voice a croak of nerves. “Just - are you sure?”

“Yes, you turnip. I’m sure. I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t,” Dan said. Phil could practically hear the eye roll in his words.

“Okay,” he agreed, swallowing nervously as he started to peal off his clothes, the pressure quickly being relieved from his already aching cock. As his pants hit the floor, he took a tentative step forward and slid the shower door open.

“Hey there, sexy,” Dan greeted, immediately taking Phil into his arms, face so close Phil’s vision was actually distorted. Groaning at the sensation of wet, slippery skin pressing against his own, Phil pressed his face into Dan’s neck and inhaled his scent.

His head was already spinning from the contact, and the confusion of reality and memory, so Phil had to work to steady his breathing. He knew his cock was already pressing into Dan’s thigh, and he knew that Dan wasn’t even hard yet, but neither Dan nor Phil seemed to mind as Phil pressed a kiss into tender skin.

“How are you doing?” Dan asked, his voice a whisper in the shell of Phil’s ear. Phil shivered.

“Amazing,” he murmured in response, eyes squeezed shut in an attempt to stop the world from spinning. Dan began pressing soft kisses into the side of Phil’s head, then, his arms wrapped securely around Phil’s waist, and it wasn’t helping Phil find his center, so he lifted up his head to stare into Dan’s warm brown eyes, and pressed their lips together.

Dan melted, fingers pressing tighter against the skin of Phil’s waist as he opened himself up to him. Phil groaned, squeezing his eyes shut again in fear that this was all just a dream, and that he’d wake up back in bed long before he’d ever met Dan Howell. He was already living that nightmare, and he didn’t want to do it all again.

Dan’s mouth was warm and reassuring against his, his tongue tentative as it played against Phil’s, their mouths sliding against each other’s confidently. Phil’s fingers were slipping through Dan’s wet hair, shaking as he tried to calm his body, hips rocking forward to press into Dan’s warm skin.

He was the first to pull away, breathing heavy as the showerhead continued to pound water against their backs. “Fuck, Dan,” he whispered.

Dan chuckled.

“Already leaving you breathless, Philip?” he teased, pressing in for another kiss. “Are you okay?” he asked as he pulled away, voice gentle this time.

Phil gulped, but nodded, trying to keep the nerves at bay. They’d done this before, hadn’t they? And it had been just as serious then, as it was now. Why was Phil trembling?

“You were much more confident the first time we did this,” Dan mused, the hand on Phil’s waist tracing gentle patterns into the skin there. “We don’t have to do this, you know,” he said, but Phil could feel that he was finally hard as well, and shook his head.

“I want to,” he replied. “I’m just - nervous.”

Dan smiled.

“Don’t be,” he murmured, and then kissed Phil again, cupping his cheek and dragging him in gently. The kiss was just as slow and passionate as the first one. Phil could feel the way Dan’s nose kept nudging against his gently and feel his breath against his lips each time they pulled away, only to move in for another kiss.

Dan’s fingers were warm but coarse against his skin, and all Phil really wanted to do was press Dan back into the shower wall and take him, the way he remembered doing that night after their first kiss.

But he’d never get those moments back, not really, and so he let Dan lead instead, letting out a little whimpering sound when Dan pressed him back against the far wall so Phil’s face was no longer under the steady stream of the showerhead.

His blood was pumping rapidly underneath his skin, and his breathing was heavy by the time Dan reached down and took his cock in his hand, fisting it and pumping it quickly, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that Phil could hardly breath, or that part of him felt numb, or that his mind was swirling with a combination of memories that included how he’d rutted against that hotel bed. It didn’t matter that some part of Phil was in sensory overload from the memory of how many times they’d actually done this over the course of their very short lived previous relationship - all that mattered was that Dan was with Phil now, and the way his hand felt on Phil’s skin was the most amazing experience in the world.

“Da - Dan, Dan I’m going...I’m going to come, please,” Phil whimpered, pressing his hips up harder, heart racing in his chest.

“Please what?” Dan murmured back.

“Let me touch you, too,” Phil begged, tossing his head back and squeezing his eyes shut as Dan’s movements slowed down.

Dan shifted, his unoccupied hand taking Phil’s in his own and leading it to burning flesh. Phil groaned.

“Fuck,” he whispered, immediately wrapping his fingers around Dan’s erection and pumping quickly. He could hear Dan moan as the other man’s fingers began to move again, swift and confident on Phil’s cock.

“Da-Dan,” Phil whimpered, breathing becoming erratic as he surged forward to kiss him again. “I love you,” he cried out, heat beginning to pool in his stomach as his orgasm began to take over him. His fingers tightened around Dan as he pumped him faster, and he bit at Dan’s bottom lip, pulling away to drag his lips down his neck instead.

Dan cried out at the same time as Phil did, their orgasms washing over them, and all Phil could do was slump against Dan’s chest. They were quiet, soaking each other in as they worked to catch their breath, Phil’s mind a hazy muddle of confused thoughts and images.

“I love you, too,” Dan eventually mumbled into the top of Phil’s head, immediately snapping Phil out of his daze. Heart pumping hard for an entirely new reason now, Phil pressed tight to Dan, a giddy warmness replacing the euphoria of orgasm.

He laughed against Dan’s neck, the sound fluttery, and pulled away to kiss him.

“Shall I wash your back?” he asked, once he finally pulled away, voice quiet.

Dan laughed. “Sure,” he replied, a whisper against Phil’s lips as Dan pulled him in again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, look how close we are to the end. Update on Wednesday, and thanks as always to our awesome betas mostlikelyprocrastinating and justanotherlittlefangirlll

Dan had barely left Phil's side all night. He was being clingy, he knew that he was. But the thought of being apart from Phil, for any reason at all, made his chest ache. And Phil wasn't complaining about the kisses Dan was showering him with, so Dan figured that maybe he needed the reassurance as much as Dan did.

It had quickly turned into a lazy day, after their morning... activity. Not that they'd been planning to do much anyway.

"You should turn on the fireplace," Dan said lazily, "it's a bit cold."

"I'll probably burn the house down," Phil retorted with a smirk.

"At least I'll be warm."

"You're such a baby," Phil said, but he stood and walked across the lounge. Dan closed his eyes, pulling the hoodie he was wearing (one of Phil's) up to inhale its scent.

Suddenly he heard a screech of surprise and Dan snapped up, praying that Phil hadn't actually set part of their flat on fire.

"Why didn't you tell me there was a plushie sitting on top of the fireplace," Phil grumbled, studying the remains of the toy.

Dan studied the other boy as if he had grown another head, "Phil, you're pulling my leg right?" He asked, there was no way that Phil had actually done that _twice_ without realizing.

Phil shook his head. "What are you on about, Dan? It was an accident, okay? I'm sorry."

"No," Dan rushed to add, "I'm not mad, Phil, it's just..." He paused considering his words carefully, "it's just that, that's not the first time you've done that."

"Oh," Phil said softly, "I'm glad you aren't mad."

" _You're_ mad," Dan said with a laugh, standing to go crouch down next to Phil. "It's fine."

Phil's grin was one of relief. "Alright then," he said, reaching over to peck Dan's lips.

\--

There were only so many things Dan could think of to try and trigger Phil's memory, and so far not very many of them seemed to be working. And he kind of hated it, hated the way something seemingly random could trigger Phil's memory but _Dan_ couldn't. A freaking leaf stuck to his window could remind Phil of one of their Manchester days, but nothing Dan did seemed to spark anything.

It wasn't fair.

Dan was a _someone,_ Dan was a major event. Weren't you supposed to remember the most important things in your life?

Weren't you supposed to get the inside jokes your best friend made.

While a part of Dan was grateful for the clean slate, for the chance to start over with Phil, the rest of him really fucking hated it. Sometimes he really fucking hated Phil Lester.

But that didn't change the fact that he was in love with him. Dan wondered if it was possible to feel both.

\--

They had PJ around the flat a few weeks later, when Phil had had a little bit more time to adjust to the flat and the very sudden awkward year shift. He saw his parents in the first few weeks as well, his mum clinging to him for dear life as she cried, thanking Dan over and over again for taking care of Phil.

Phil’s older brother Martin even shed a few tears, which made Phil feel sad all over again, but they were all quick to cheer up and get back to playing board games on the lounge floor.

Now Phil was ready to do the same with his old friend PJ. The thing with PJ was that Phil had known him long before 2009, and so he hadn’t forgotten him. He just had a lot catching up to do, at this point.

In fact, before PJ had been set to come over, Phil had stalked his youtube channel for a good few days, trying to see all of the amazing projects PJ had put together over the years Phil had “been away” so to speak.

There were so many amazing ones that Phil couldn't understand how PJ still hadn’t hit a million subs yet.

He said as much the minute PJ walked through the door.

“Congrats on half a million subscribers!”

PJ laughed. “Congrats on well over 2 million!”

Then they were hugging, Phil wrapping his arms around PJ’s shoulders and dragging him into a bone-crushing hug. He sighed into PJ’s hair as PJ clapped him on the back, and, as he was pulling away, leaned in to kiss him on the cheek.

Immediately afterwards, Phil felt awkward, like that wasn’t something they did anymore. PJ’s face reflected Phil’s feelings, and Dan’s was so horrified and confused that Phil felt like kicking himself.

“I’m sorry - I just - we just-”

“Phil, it’s fine,” PJ assured him, patting him on the shoulder. “It’s just been a long time since we were that friendly,” he explained. Phil watched as PJ turned around to look at Dan, and though he couldn’t see the look on PJ’s face, he knew the other man was apologizing.

Phil hung his head in shame for a brief moment, before ushering PJ into the lounge ahead of him. He stopped Dan before he could follow after, however, with an arm around his waist that he used to drag Dan into him.

“It didn’t mean anything,” Phil murmured low in Dan’s ear. “It’s just something we always used to do."

“I know, Phil. You don’t have to explain to me. You already did back in 2010,” Dan replied, but he wasn’t looking at Phil.

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I just wasn’t expecting it is all,” Dan said, and then he was pulling away from Phil to follow PJ into the lounge.

Sighing reluctantly, Phil followed suit.

\--

Phil hadn’t been lying when he’d said it didn’t mean anything when Phil kissed PJ on the cheek. The two of them had gone to uni together, and grown really close. PJ was among some of the very few people Phil had ever come out too, and in an attempt to make Phil feel safer, PJ had been extra affectionate.

From time to time, they’d make no homo jokes, but none of them had stung. Phil understood that PJ was just kidding, but their relationship would always be special. They were platonic best friends who occasionally kissed each other on the cheek, or held hands, and even flirted from time to time.

The memories of that time were still so fresh in Phil’s mind that he had a rough time for the rest of the night _not_ falling into that kind of banter with PJ. Instead, each time he felt the urge to reach out and touch, he turned on Dan, and took his hand.

They hadn’t said a word to PJ, but it was clear from PJ’s expression that he’d seen it coming.

They played board games just like old times, Dan throwing monopoly pieces at Phil’s head each time he was forced to pay Phil money, and PJ intervening during Munchkin when Dan got a little too aggressive and Phil nearly ripped his head off.

All in all, Phil would deem the night a success.

In fact, by 3 in the morning, Phil was fondly reminiscing with PJ over more recent events, including their trip to Italy with Chris, filming the Forever Train, and PJ’s more recent failed relationships.

“And when she threw that ice cream cone on my head-”

“I remember that!” Phil said, laughing so loud he was clutching his stomach. “Worst group date I’ve ever been on!”

“I know, I still can’t believe that happened!”

\--

“Dan?”

“What.”

“Hey...are you mad at me?”

Dan sighed, running his fingers through his hair tensely from in front of Phil. His back was turned, but Phil could imagine the expression on his face.

“...No, I’m not mad at you,” Dan finally replied.

“Then what’s wrong? You’ve been pretty quiet since midnight…”

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing, Dan! Clearly you’re upset, and honestly, it’s upsetting me as well. Look, whatever I did, I honestly didn’t mean it,” Phil said, finally stalking forward and taking Dan into his arms again.

“I love you, okay? And if I was too flirty with PJ, or too close to him or whatever - it didn’t mean anything. I promise,” he said, his words a murmur against Dan’s cheek as he kissed him there, too afraid to go any further than that.

Dan sighed.

“It’s not that,” Dan replied, turning so his lips glided across Phil’s gently. “It’s nothing,” he said. “I promise.”

Then they were kissing, lips moulding together seamlessly. Dan’s hands were in Phil’s hair, tugging gently, and Phil was just trying to keep himself upright as he allowed Dan to lead their kiss.

Slowly, Dan led them backwards, occasionally bumping into walls, until finally they arrived in Dan’s room.

His fairy lights were turned on, as well as the amber lamp he’d gotten sometime back in 2010, lighting the room up with a pleasant glow. Dan had pulled away just long enough for Phil to take it in, and then both their shirts had been tugged off and Dan had pushed them down onto the bed.

“I love you,” he murmured against Phil’s neck.

“I love you, too,” Phil murmured back, in between kisses, his hands pressed into warm sides.

“More than you could possibly know,” Dan added on, pulling away from trailing kisses down Phil’s chest to stare up at him with hooded eyes. Then his hands slipped into Phil’s waistband, and Phil was moaning too loud to respond.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am so sorry that this is a day late, guys! With school starting up again, my schedule is getting pretty hectic and I was busy all day yesterday. Anyway here’s the chapter.

Dan hovered in the doorway, two cups of coffee warm in his hands. Phil was sitting up in bed, staring at the empty spot where Dan had been laying mere minutes before. One of Phil's hands was sprawled across the sheets, and he looked lost in thought.

"I hope I didn't wake you," Dan said at last, moving into the room.

Phil shook his head, glancing up to peer at Dan from beneath his messy bed head and glasses. "You didn't."

"Is everything alright?" Dan asked, handing Phil his cup of coffee and settling himself into the bed.

"Yeah," Phil said softly, "it's just, waking up and you weren't here. It brought back some stuff."

"Of course it did," Dan muttered bitterly, hating how jealous he was that Phil could remember PJ, could remember others, but couldn't remember Dan. He was supposed to be happy that his boyfriend was remembering these things, not jealous because Phil wasn’t remembering him.

"Is everything alright, Dan?" Phil asked, sounding confused.

"Yeah, it's fine," Dan said, forcing himself not to snap, because he didn't want to drive Phil away. That was the  _last_  thing he wanted. "I'm just being stupid."

"Dan, you're allowed to have feelings you know," Phil said, reaching over to brush Dan's hair off of his forehead. "Why won't you tell me what's going on?"

"Because I'm just being an idiot," Dan said, trying for a smile that he feared came out looking more like a grimace.

"Dan, you're not an idiot. Tell me what's going on in there," Phil requested, poking Dan's temple.

"It's just- you remembered PJ, and you didn't remember me," Dan whispered, staring intently at the sheets. "See, I told you it was stupid."

"Oh, Bear," Phil said softly, leaning forward to wrap his arms around Dan's shoulders.

A real smile tugged itself onto Dan's face. "You haven't called me that in a while," he said, pulling away just slightly so that he could see Phil's face.

Phil's eyes were scrunched in confusion. "It's... your nickname, isn't it?"

"Yes," Dan said, laughter bubbling in his throat, "yes it is."

\--

"You know," Phil said sometime later, looking up from where he was tracing patterns onto Dan's bare stomach, "if I could remember everything about you I would. I don't even need anything else."

"I know," Dan said softly, pressing a soft kiss to Phil's forehead, "but I want you to have everything."

"And what do I have?" Phil asked, and he sounded bitter. Phil had been so upbeat about this whole mess, hearing that tone in his voice broke Dan's heart. 

"You have me," Dan said, leaning up to rest his back on the headboard and pulling Phil up with him. Locking his brown eyes with Phil's blue, he leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to Phil's lips. "Okay?"

"And all you have is a piece of me. I'm broken," Phil said, that same tone in his voice.

"Don't you fucking say that, you're not," Dan protested. "You are my whole world, Phil Lester."

"It's true, I don't even know who I am anymore," Phil sniffled, like he was about to cry.

"That's okay, I do," Dan said, "I know everything that matters. I love you."

"I love you too."

\--

Despite Dan’s words of comfort, Phil couldn’t help but to continue feeling broken. Seeing his boyfriend so heartbroken every time he made a reference that Phil didn’t get was soul destroying, especially considering how easily so much else was coming back to him.

By the time another month had passed, Phil had managed to remember most, if not all, of what had passed with PJ, quite a few of the holidays he’d spent with his family, and could even laugh and recall most of their youtuber friends when unfamiliar names were brought up in conversation.

But Phil still couldn’t remember the years he’d spent at Dan’s side, or the gaps in his memory that would explain what went wrong with their relationship in the first place. If Dan was upset about it, Phil was devastated.

There was a hole in his heart that he couldn’t fill, constantly aching with the pain of his past wrongdoings, and the longer Phil went unable to remember, the harder it got to be with Dan. There was too much guilt, and anger, standing in the way of them.

“Hey,” Dan called as he made his way into Phil’s room. Phil glanced up to find him hovering in the doorway, two cups of coffee in his hands. Phil didn’t respond, too busy staring at old videos of the two of them, wondering what the hell went wrong.

His heart was in this throat, and he was moping. He knew he was moping, but that knowledge wasn’t enough to bring him out of it.

“You okay, Phil?” Dan asked after a moment, still hesitating in the doorway.

Phil shook his head, and Dan sighed loudly, finally entering and putting the two mugs down on Phil’s bedside table. Phil followed his movements with sad eyes, but when Dan tried to pull him into his side, Phil pulled away with a shake of his head.

Mentally, he slapped himself, when the rejection painted a look of hurt across Dan’s face.

“I - Dan, I just -”

“No, it’s fine,” he insisted, pulling away and standing back up. “I get it. You just need some time to yourself,” he said, a grimace on his face. Phil could almost see the tears starting to form in his eyes. “Just...I’ll be in the lounge if you need me.”

Watching Dan retreat cut another hole in Phil’s heart, but he didn’t get up to follow him.

He felt that he deserved it.

\--

Things only got worse from there. Phil could see it happening, but he made no move to stop it.

Every time Dan went to put his arm around Phil’s shoulder during a movie, he flinched away. When Dan tried to kiss him, he turned his face and accepted it on his cheek only. Most days, Phil wasn’t even willing to sit in the same room as Dan, too consumed with the guilt of his lost memories and inability to fix what he’d done wrong.

Some part of him, in the back of his mind, knew that what he was doing was helping nothing, but he kept at it anyway.

It hurt too much to be kissed, held, loved, by Dan. It hurt too much when Phil knew all he did every single day was hurt Dan, over and over and over again.

Phil could see what it was doing to Dan, of course. He could see the pain that split his face each time Phil pulled away from him, could see the heartbreak and insecurity in his eyes every time Phil left the room, but he did nothing about it.

He just continued to mope.

\--

“What the hell is wrong with you!?” Dan screamed, barging into Phil’s room unexpectedly. Phil looked up, surprised, only to find Dan standing at the foot of his bed, chest heaving, and tears dripping down his face.

Jaw dropping, and heart breaking, Phil couldn’t respond.

“You fought me to get back together, forced me to go to Manchester with you to relive our memories, made me fall right back in love with you, and for what?  _This_!? To have my heart broken all over again!? I didn’t sign up for this, Phil! I didn’t sign up for any of this!” Dan screeched, the tears notably clogging his throat as he tried to speak.

Phil’s fingers clenched at the bedspread beneath him as he tried not to cry as well, body thrumming with the need to jump up and cradle Dan in his arms. He didn’t, because he knew Dan wouldn’t accept it.

Because he knew he didn’t deserve to comfort Dan.

“You made me believe that things would be different this time, that you  _knew_  the you before the accident regretted everything he’d done to me, and yet here we are again, going through the motions, walking straight back into the same fight we had ages ago! I can’t do this Phil, I can’t  _fucking_ do this again!”

With that, Dan’s body slumped over, and he reached down to hold himself up against the bottom of Phil’s bed.

“Why can’t you love me, Phil?” he asked, finally, and that’s when Phil decided enough was enough.

Choking back his own tears, Phil jumped up, and rushed to Dan’s side. Taking him into his arms, he pressed Dan close, and said “I do love you, Dan. I love you so goddamn much, but...I don’t deserve you.”

\--

Dan felt like his heart was breaking. How dare Phil, after everything he had put Dan through in the past few months in an effort to win him back, push him away again. Because he thought that he didn't fucking deserve him? What kind of twisted reason was that? Who was Phil to say what he deserved?

"That's not your choice to make, Phil," Dan almost growled, opening his eyes to meet Phil's tear-filled blue ones. "You know, you don't get to make every single decision in this relationship, Phil. We have to do things  _together_ from now on."

Phil bit his lip. "But you could do so much better," he almost whispered, "and look towards the future instead of the past."

"Is that really what you think?" Dan asked, reaching forward to brush the tears off of Phil's face, "Phil Lester, I would chose you over anyone, and not just because of our past. I would always,  _always_  chose you. Okay?"

Phil sniffled, "I just hate that I don't remember you. You deserve to be remembered."

Dan grinned, though it was almost bitter. "It's not your fault, Phil," he said, playing with Phil's ebony fringe. "It's my fucking fault anyway. I should never have told you I was going to move out."

Phil's eyes widened, and in any other situation it would have been almost comical, but at the present time all Dan could do was mutter a simple "fuck."

"You were going to move out?" Phil asked, his voice small, as he chewed on his lips. "Were we really that bad?"

"Fuck, it's just that-" Dan stuttered, unable to explain any better than his half-hearted attempts the first time they had discussed his moving out, right before the accident. "I couldn't take being around you when I was so in love with you, and you didn't love me back."

"But I did," Phil rushed to reassure, "I did love you. I  _do_  love you."

"I know," Dan said, resting his head against the bottom of Phil's bed. "I know that now. But, back then, you sure had a funny way of showing it."

Silence fell between the two, neither quite sure of what to say.

"I don't want to break up," Phil said suddenly, staring at his hands, "I know you probably think that I do, but I don't."

"Then what do you want, Phil?"

"I want to remember you."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters to go my friends!!! Update on Wednesday on notanannoyingfangirl‘s blog, and thanks as always to our awesome betas mostlikelyprocrastinating and justanotherlittlefangirlll

They went to bed that night in each other’s arms, for the first time in what felt like forever, but which was probably closer to a week. Phil was the little spoon, eyes still wet and red as he pressed his back into Dan’s chest, feeling warm and secure in his best friend’s arms.

There were thousands of thoughts still swirling around in his mind, but he was calmer now than he’d been in days, and more determined: to stop running away, to get his life back with Dan, to prove that what he’d done in the past was just one giant mistake that Phil wouldn’t make again.

Dan’s arms were tight around him. Secure. Afraid.

He couldn’t hide that from Phil. Phil knew he’d hurt him, knew that Dan wasn’t going to be willing to let him go that easily, but Phil welcomed the clinginess.

Dan was like a beacon of light in the darkness of Phil’s mind, keeping at bay the horrible thoughts that had led them to this situation in the first place.

They’d talked, for hours before going to bed: about what they were going to do, how they were going to solve this. The words still tumbled through Phil’s mind.

“The doctors warned us against triggering you,” Dan had said.

“I know, but Dan, don’t you see? We’ve already been doing that,” Phil had argued against him, fingers tightening against their hold on Dan’s. “And I’m fine, aren’t I?”

“Phil, I don’t...I don’t think-"

“It’ll be okay, Dan. I promise. I’ll tell you if we’re pushing me too hard, but I _need_ this, okay? I can’t do this anymore. I...I need to remember what happened. It’s killing me, don’t you see?” Phil had said, cutting Dan off before he’d even had a chance to voice his fears. “Just. Talk to me. Push me. Help me, Dan. Please.”

With a final nod of his head, Dan had agreed.

But despite the reassurances that Dan would help Phil remember, Dan’s earlier confession was still ringing in his ears, like a knife cutting through everything else that existed.

_“It’s not your fault, Phil. It’s my fucking fault…”_

The tears were still dripping down Phil’s face. He’d nearly lost Dan forever, in more ways than one. Their relationship had deteriorated so much; Phil had very nearly lost his best friend, and through his anger at the prospect of it, nearly lost his own life as well.

He sniffled, and Dan shuffled behind him, tightening his hold around Phil, and burying his face in Phil’s neck.

Not asleep then, as Phil had thought.

“It’s okay, Phil,” Dan whispered, pressing a kiss against his neck. “We’re okay.”

Phil guessed that, for now, that would have to be enough.

\--

Dan shifted awkwardly in his seat, studying his hands which he had clasped on the table in front of him. He and Phil were sitting at the table, though the almost formal atmosphere was only adding to Dan's discomfort.

"So," he started, still not quite meeting Phil's gaze, "I don't really know where to start."

"The beginning?" Phil suggested helpfully, though Dan wasn't even sure where the beginning really was any more. Did their story start before they met? Or the first time Dan went to Manchester? Or maybe the real story started much later, when everything became a muddled mess of hurt and love.

"Well, you remember all of our messages on Twitter and talking on Skype and stuff?" Dan asked, making sure they were going to start on the same page. He peaked up, watching Phil nod his head quickly.

"I remember planning to meet you. I was going to pick you up at the train station," Phil said.

"Which you did, and we went all around Manchester, to like Starbucks and stuff," Dan said, a blush rising to his cheeks as he remembered just what _else_ had happened in Manchester, but of course Phil already knew most of this.

"And you kissed me," Phil added, though his cheeks were equally red, so maybe he’d remembered all the other things as well by this point.

"Right, and, I mean, we kinda had a relationship, but neither of us ever said anything to make it official. I think we were just scared. But then, um, in 2010 you filmed a video where you basically confessed your love to me while I was on holiday in India. You said, um, that it would be an April fools joke for our followers. But, the idea didn't really sit well with us, so we never posted it."

Phil nibbled on his lip. "Why would I make a video like that?" he asked, though more to himself than actually expecting an answer from Dan.

Dan shrugged. "After that, we weren't really whatever we were anymore. We were still best friends, obviously, there was just a line that we didn't cross anymore."

"Oh," Phil said softly, rubbing his temple slightly.

"Are you okay?" Dan asked, following the movement of his boyfriend's fingers with his eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Phil reassured him. "Can you continue, please?"

\--

"I don't really know what happened with you, but, um, by the time the April Fools video that we’d made, leaked, we barely spoke. When we did talk, we fought, and it was horrible," Dan whispered, not wanting to dwell on some of the darkest years in his memories.

"Like the fight I remembered," Phil said. "Were they all that bad?"

Dan shook his head. "No, that was probably the worst one. But, everything kind of went downhill from there. The shippers on Tumblr were going crazy, which drove us back into our respective holes. We stopped appearing in each other's videos, barely did anything together at all."

"We got better, though?" Phil asked, "I could never stay mad at you."

"We weren't mad, _I_ was... I was hurt. I loved you, and I felt rejected. But no, we didn't stay like that forever. In fact, up until your... accident, we'd been doing better than we had been in a long time. Then I went and fucked everything up," Dan said bitterly.

"That's the second time you’ve said that, Dan, but you didn't push me in front of the car," Phil said, reaching across the table to pick one of Dan's hands up and hold it in his own.

"But I told you that I wanted to move out, and you stormed out," Dan confessed, his eyes filling with tears. "If I hadn't _said_ anything-"

"Hey," Phil said softly. "You can't do that to yourself. Besides, if you hadn't said anything than we probably wouldn't have gotten back together."

Dan grinned, though he could still feel tears in his eyes. "Yeah, I guess that's true."

\--

Phil took a deep breath then, as Dan reigned in his tears, and prepared to ask one of the questions that had been bugging him the most, recently. His head was already pounding, but no worse than it usually was when Phil was pushing himself, so he felt no urge to stop. In fact, he felt on the verge of something.

Most of Dan’s words so far had just felt like repeats of the things that Phil mostly already knew, but even still, Phil could tell Dan was leaving things out; not that he blamed him, not in the least. He understood Dan’s hesitation, but Phil needed more.

Phil needed something that would push him over the edge.

So he asked, “What happened with Charlie?”

Dan’s face shut down immediately, eyes going hard, his mouth pursed, jaw set. There was a certain rigidness to Dan’s posture that shot adrenaline through Phil’s body, and a spike of hope.

There was something _here_ , and he was desperate to have it.

“Dan?” Phil asked, when Dan refused to respond.

“You had a falling out,” Dan explained, defensive. His hand was still resting in Phil’s, and his nails were very nearly piercing Phil’s skin.

Phil’s heart was pounding, the pain in his skull now present in his teeth. The entirety of his face hurt, but he pressed on.

“Over what?”

“Me.”

“You?”

Dan nodded, gritting his teeth as he stared Phil down, fingers tightening their grip against Phil’s hand. Phil winced, almost tempted to pull away, but too afraid Dan would take it as rejection. Instead, Dan pulled away, carding his fingers through his hair aggressively.

“I think we should stop, Phil.”

“What?” Phil asked, outraged. “No! We’re so close, Dan, I can _feel_ it-”

“You promised you’d tell me when it got to be too much, but clearly you haven’t,” Dan responded, pushing away from the table dismissively. The legs of his chair screeched across their floorboards as he turned away, but Phil hardly noticed with the way his heartbeat was pounding in his ears.

“I only winced because you were digging your nails into my skin, what else did you expect, Dan!? Have I ever broken a promise to you before?” Phil asked, standing up quickly as well, arms braced against the table.

The room was spinning, but he didn’t care.

“Actually, _you have,_ Phil!” Dan replied, face red with anger as he spun around, chest heaving.

“This is just because you don’t want to talk about Charlie, isn’t it? Was it so bad, what happened? You said we were fighting over you. Why would we even be doing that?” Phil asked, choosing to ignore Dan’s earlier comment. The thought of it, the reality of it, was just too difficult to deal with right now, and besides - Phil knew Dan was just trying to change the subject, desperate to fight over anything but this.

Dan didn’t respond. He growled, and turned to leave the room, but Phil was having none of that. Rushing forward, and nearly collapsing from vertigo, Phil took hold of his arm, and turned him around.

“What the hell _happened_ , Dan!? You can’t just run away from this!” Phil finally screamed, gritting his teeth against the memory, trapped, ready to break free.

“We were fighting, okay, Phil!? Me, and Charlie! We were fighting over twitter, and he was trying to out us, and I didn’t know what to do because there was no _us_ to begin with!”

Phil was confused.

“That’s all?” he asked, the bitter taste of something else sitting on his tongue. “Dan,” he begged. “Tell me it all.”

“He said you had to choose,” Dan replied, “when I went too far.”

Phil squeezed his eyes shut, and gulped as the words brought a sense of deja vu. There it was, right there, on the back of his eyelids. Memories, flash after flash of image and emotion and sensory explosion ripping through Phil’s mind.

He released Dan, and took a step backwards.

“Phil?” Dan called, tentative. “Phil, are you okay?” he asked, but Phil wasn’t listening.

There were other words in his head.

_“Tell your boy toy to leave me the hell alone on twitter, asshat.”_

_“He’s turning all our friends away from me.”_

_“You don’t have time for me anymore.”_

_“Its me, or him.”_

_“He told me to burn in hell.”_

“You told my best friend to go to hell?” Phil gasped out, eyes flying open as he clutched at his head, shaking it as tears started to gather in his eyes. Phil couldn’t tell at this point if they were in reaction to the memory, the pain searing through his entire body, or a product of something else entirely.

“He was provoking me, Phil,” Dan replied, anger still in his voice, though it appeared he was trying to keep his calm as he approached Phil, an anxious look on his face.

Phil shook his head, and took another step away from him.

“Why would you say that?” Phil asked. “Because you were jealous?”

_“He can’t stand that I’m your best friend.”_

“Of course not, Phil!” Dan replied. “How could you even say that?”

_“Charlie and I aren’t friends anymore. You can stop bothering him on twitter now.”_

_“Good.”_

“Then, _why!?_ ” Phil begged, panting as he ripped his eyes open again. ”Why would you come between me and my best friend!? The only person I was close to, other than you? Why would you break us apart like that, Dan?”

“Because _he was in love with you!”_ Dan screeched, and that’s when the pain became too much for Phil.

Dan’s tear stained face, both in the present, and in his memory, were the last thing Phil saw before everything went black.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here it is guys, the last chapter of TFATSLT, I mean, technically we still have the epilogue....
> 
> anyways, sorry about the delay - I know that this is like two days late, and I am so, so sorry about that. Honestly my life has gotten a little crazy right now, and I haven't been able to get on the computer. But I won't keep you from the story.
> 
> Enjoy ~

Dan was in the  _last_  place he ever wanted to be. The familiar, harsh, sterile scent filled his nose. It was like Phil’s accident all over again, and it was horrible. The sense of déjà vu was so strong, Dan could practically feel a headache forming. After Phil had collapsed, (and really, Dan should have known that they were pushing too hard, should have known that this might happen), Dan had called 999. So now he was sitting in a far too familiar waiting room, a cup of bitter black coffee in his hands. **  
**

Dan wasn’t sure how much he believed in religion, but right now he was praying to every god he had ever heard of. He didn’t know what he would do if Phil didn’t wake up. No, he couldn’t think like that. Phil was going to wake up, and everything would be fine.

And it was all Dan’s  _fucking_  fault, again.

* * *

 

He shouldn’t have told Phil anything, and not nearly as much as he had. But, God, all he wanted was for Phil to remember. Would that really be so bad? Apparently. The missing memories were tearing them apart, but trying to make Phil remember had sent them to the hospital.

The nice nurse, the blonde who smiled at him, seemed to remember him, because she let him back to go see Phil without asking who he was. Or maybe he just had a look on his face that stopped her from saying anything. Dan felt like an unapproachable mess, maybe that’s what he looked like as well.

Phil was lying in a hospital bed, drowning in white blankets that made his shock of black hair stand out even more. Dan could feel tears prickling in his eyes. Dan pulled a chair up next to the bed, reaching over and taking Phil’s hand in his own. He played with the cold fingers, attempting (and failing) to distract himself.

Unable to help himself, Dan reached over and pressed a soft kiss to Phil’s forehead.

“Wake up, please,” Dan muttered, his voice cracking. When no one answered, Dan lowered himself back down into his chair. He pulled out his phone, tapping on his boyfriend’s parent’s icon. He hadn’t called them soon enough last time, and by the time they made it down to London, Phil had woken up. But he knew they were upset about Dan not calling them as soon as the accident had happened. He didn’t want to make that mistake again.

\--

Dan was picking at his lunch in the hospital cafeteria. He wasn’t hungry, but that nice nurse had made it clear that if he didn’t leave and go eat something, she was going to make him. So, for her sake, he picked at a sandwich he didn’t really want. It was lonely, sitting alone at a table meant for two, and all he wanted was for his best friend to be sitting across from him, laughing about some stupid joke.

But, of course, if Phil were there, then they wouldn’t be here in the first place.

Dan felt like he was going to cry, again, and he didn’t want to. He was tired of crying over Phil Lester. Instead, he wanted to laugh and smile and say ‘I love you’ and ‘forever’. But he couldn’t, because he didn’t have anyone to do any of those things with.

Because he was  _fucking_  selfish. Well, he wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

He was tired of crying over Phil Lester. Maybe now he wouldn’t have to anymore. If Phil would just wake up, maybe they could start the rest of their lives.

\--

Phil’s eyes opened slowly, eyelashes fluttering against his cheekbones, and he groaned at the pain piercing through his brain. The light was too bright once his eyes were fully open, but something inside of Phil told him not to re-close them, so he didn’t. Instead, he rolled his head to take in his surroundings, and nearly wanted to cry when he realized where he was.

The hospital. Again.

Choking on a broken sob, Phil turned his head to look for Dan, but the brown haired man was nowhere to be seen.

“Dan?” Phil croaked. “Dan?”

Had it all been a terrible dream? What was happening? Why was he in the hospital again?

“Philip?”

Startled at the sound of his name, Phil’s head shot up to find his mum standing in the doorway, eyes worried, and fingers tight around the kleenex in her hand. Unable to stop the tears from flowing, Phil let out a soft sob at the sight.

“Oh, Phil!” his Mum cried, running to his side and pulling him into a hug. “It’s going to be okay. You’re okay now,” she whispered, petting his back, but her words did nothing to soothe him.

She wasn’t Dan, and for all Phil knew, Dan wasn’t here.

\--

The resulting pandemonium of Phil waking up left no room for questions, forcing Phil to lay in bed like a fearful cat, eyes wide as he waited for someone to let slip what the hell was going on.

He’d been in a car accident. He’d gotten a second chance. He’d almost made things right with Dan. He’d learned something heartbreaking, and now Phil was terrified it’d sent him right back to the start.

Was he even in 2015 anymore? Or was it back in 2009? Had he’d just had a taste of what his future was going to be like, or was it all a dream? Had Dan already left him in this universe? Was he getting  _another_  second chance?

The tremors of Phil’s body were less from the chill than from his own fears, but his Mum still insisted on finally calling the Doctor and getting a nurse in here with a few warm blankets. For that, at least, Phil could be grateful.

  
“How you doing, little brother?” Martyn asked from beside him. He was smiling, but there was genuine fear in his eyes.

“What year is it?” Phil croaked out. For a moment, Martyn seemed confused by the question, but then his eyes softened in realization.

“2015. What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Dan and I got in a fight…” Phil replied, voice trailing off as he fought back more tears. Martyn smiled down at him, and patted his hand.

“Then you haven’t lost anymore time, I think. You’re okay. You blacked out from the strain, and Dan called an ambulance. You’ve only been out for about two days. Just enough time for your family to arrive to save the day,” Martyn teased. “But in all seriousness, calm down. It’s not like last time. You just...pushed yourself too hard.”

Sighing in relief, Phil finally let out that sob on a soft exhale, head falling back down onto the bed so he was staring at the ceiling, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Philip, you alright?” his Mum asked. Phil nodded, but he didn’t turn to look at her.

“Fine, Mum,” he said, overwhelmed with the knowledge that everything was still alright.

Well, not alright. He’d just been fighting with Dan, after all, and Phil still didn’t know where the other man was.

Some part of him feared that his anger, his upset from the memory they’d dragged forward, had convinced Dan that he should leave, and Phil just couldn’t take that, on top of everything else. Not after how hard he’d worked to get Dan back.

Not after how hard Dan had worked to keep Phil around.

All he could do was pray that Dan would come back, as he listened to his family chatter nonsensically around him, filling him in on the things they’d been doing since the last time he’d seen them. They were acting so nonchalant, Phil figured it was on doctor’s orders.

Silent tears continued to roll down the sides of Phil’s face as he worked to rein in his breathing. He closed his eyes, and tried to sleep.

The doctor still hadn’t arrived when the room drifted into a gentle silence. Maybe his family thought he was asleep. They weren’t exactly wrong; he nearly was...

Then, “Phil?” Dan’s voice called out, the sound so small, and unsure of itself, that Phil’s eyes ripped back open, and he sat up.

“Dan,” he sighed, trying to smile, but knowing it came out broken as the tears clouded over his vision once more.

The low murmur of his family saying they’d give them some privacy was the last thing Phil heard from them, and then he was safe in Dan’s arms once again, sobbing into his shoulder.

\--

They were both crying, and Dan wasn't sure if it was from relief or stress or the simple amount of emotion that had been building up over the past couple of weeks, but they were both alright. Phil was awake. Dan had been terrified that he would never see those blue eyes again.

"I didn't think you were going to wake up," he muttered, burying his face in Phil's hair.

"I didn't think you were going to come back," Phil admitted softly, his breath ghosting across Dan's neck.

Dan pulled back sharply, so that he could look into Phil's eyes. "Phil Lester, I would never leave you. Not after I just got you back. Not in a million years. I love you."

Phil let out a relieved chuckle, "I love you, too." Then his face grew more serious. "You know, I never felt that way about Charlie. No matter what we were, I wouldn't have left you."

Dan sighed, almost in defeat, a small smile tugging itself onto his lips, "I know that now. I just didn't back then.

"Well, I love you."

"I know."

"You can't quote Star Wars at me when I'm trying to have a serious moment."

"I find your lack of faith disturbing," Dan quoted, a smirk playing with the corner of his mouth.

"Nerd," Phil shot back, though he was grinning as well through the tears.

"You know you love me."

"I do."

\--

By 9 o’clock, Phil was released from the hospital. He walked out hand in hand with Dan, uncaring if the universe saw, and fell asleep in his arms, praying that this would be the end of things and they could get on with the rest of their lives.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I can’t believe this is the end! This whole thing was so heartbreaking to write, and equally as heartbreaking to post, but I hope the Epilogue will tie up all the loose ends for everyone, and leave you all with a happy taste in your mouth, rather than a bitter one. Thank you to everyone who stuck by us from the beginning, middle, or who just started today. We appreciate you all, and we’ll see you again ( notanannoyingfangirl and I) with our big bang projects in October! Thank you as always to our lovely betas mostlikelyprocrastinating and justanotherlittlefangirlll

_“I sent you an email. Did you get it?”_

_“...Yeah. That was - Phil?”_

_“Yeah, Dan?”_

_“You’re an amazing actor.”_

_“...I...what?”_

_“Seriously, you almost had me fooled. But isn’t it a bit early for April Fools Day?”_

_“...yeah...I guess so.”_

\--

Phil woke with a gasp, his heart in his throat as tears threatened at his eyes. He could feel his pulse beating heavily against his temples, racing so fast his breaths were coming in loud gasps. The bedside table light came on at the same time as a sob wracked Phil’s body, his fingers curling around the plastic of his glasses in a frenzy as he turned to find a wide-eyed Dan staring up at him in confusion, mouth open to speak.

“It wasn’t a joke!” Phil choked out before he could, still sobbing as he reached for Dan’s hand in an attempt to reassure. “I meant every word of it! I’d never had Valentine’s with anyone before, and I was hoping - I’d been hoping - I was trying to ask you out! Like properly!”

“Okay, okay, Phil! Calm down, hey! I don’t know what you’re talking about, I-”

“The video! When you were in India! I sent you a fucking video and you told me I was an amazing actor and I - I - I thought you were rejecting me!”

Dan didn’t get a chance to respond, because then Phil was pressing himself up against Dan and straddling his lap in an attempt to kiss him, mouth pressed tightly to Dan’s chin before it finally found it’s way to his lips.

The kiss was wet, and Phil could taste his own tears against Dan’s skin, but he didn’t care as he tried to show Dan just how much he loved him, pressing tighter, tighter, _tighter_ against Dan until both their chests were heaving with the effort of trying to breathe.

Dan was kissing back, though, almost as desperately as Phil, fingers curled tight against Phil’s hips, and when Phil finally pulled away, it was only to bury his face into Dan’s neck and sob, the loud wracking sounds making his heart hurt more and more. The comfort of Dan’s arms around his waist and the soft words in his ear, however, were enough to lull him back into a restless sleep.

\--

The next time Phil woke, up, the sun was up and the curtains were open. Dan wasn’t in their bedroom, but there was a note sat on his pillow that was a slight comfort to Phil as he sat up and picked it up to read it.

 _Check your email_ it said.

So Phil did.

\--

_Dan was sat nervously in front of the camera. His face was set and determined as he cleared his throat, and then he began to speak-_

_“When I first met you, I was the nervousest person ever. I couldn’t believe I was finally getting the chance to meet you in person, but I knew it was going to be the chance of a lifetime. And it was. Seeing you, that first time, staring at me over the heads of all the other people with this grin on your face like you couldn’t believe this anymore than I could - well, that gave me the confidence to run up to you and hug you._

_“We didn’t kiss. Not right away. Not like I wanted us too. And I almost took that as a rejection. We’d been flirting for so long, I couldn’t understand how you_ hadn’t _kissed me. It would take me a few more years to wonder why_ I _hadn’t kissed_ you _, and few more yet to be happy it hadn’t happened at all._

_“But still. Every time you touched me, as you took me around Manchester, my face would heat up, and I was terrified you were going to notice - but you didn’t. And then we were getting on the Manchester eye, and your hands were on the seat next to me, and you looked so beautiful that I just had to take the chance. So I kissed you._

_“And you kissed me back.”_

_There was a pause, while Dan took in a deep breath and closed his eyes._

_“We never defined what we were, though. We went home that night, and you took me to bed, and I curled up next to you afterwards, and we never talked about it. You kissed me awake every morning until I went home, and we - well. We had skype to fill in the days I wasn’t with you._

_“And it hurt. It hurt so much, because I didn’t know how to talk to you, and you never brought it up, and I didn’t know if we were more than friends or -”_

_Dan paused again, but this time, he was blinking back tears._

_“Our first proper fight was in 2010. Charlie had been texting me, teasing me. Trying to cause a fight. You weren’t on my side._

_“We didn’t talk for two weeks, but after that, things were okay again. For me, though, things were getting worse. I didn’t know where we stood anymore, and Charlie hadn’t stopped contacting me. By the time I had left for India with my family, I was convinced you were still in love with Charlie and that you were flirting with him behind my back.”_

_Dan stopped to sigh._

_“When you sent me that video, Phil? I was the happiest person in the world. That was the best day of my life so far, and I thought, well maybe things were actually okay. But Charlie. Well. Charlie wasn’t one to give up, and what better way to convince me you were in love with him than to send me things on Valentine’s day...things that you had supposedly made for him, and a hickey on his neck that you supposedly left._

_“So when you called me, I tried to play the whole thing off as a joke. I thought you would you clear the air, tell me you’d meant every word, and when you didn’t... It felt like my whole world had fallen apart._

_“Things weren’t the same after that. We fought with Charlie, and you stopped being friends, even though we weren’t ‘together’ or whatever anymore, and I felt like you hated me. It was a rough time._

_“By 2011, we’d drifted apart. There was no more kissing, no more hand holding, no more sex. We were still the best of friends, because I wasn’t willing to let that go, but - that was it._

_“For a while, things were even okay. But then the video leaked, and I was so mad at you. So, so mad at you, but we didn’t talk about it. You quietly took it down, and we told our subscribers the story, asked them to back off, and that was the end of it. We didn’t talk about it._

_“But less than a year later, the video popped up again, and that’s the fight you remember. The one where I accused you of making light of our relationship when - when in reality it was all just one huge misunderstanding and - fuck. Fuck, Phil, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”_

_There was a jump cut, just as Dan was covering his face with his hands, and then he was back, eyes red-rimmed but dry._

_“Philip Michael Lester, you made me that video on Valentine’s Day back in 2010 to finally, properly ask me out, and at the time, I was too stupid to realize it. So, now it’s my turn to make things right._

_“I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, so yes. I’ll be your boyfriend.”_

\--

“Daniel James Howell,” Phil said as he made his way out of their bedroom, tears streaming down his face once again. Dan looked up from where he was sitting on their sofa, eyes wide and anxious as he waited for Phil to keep talking.

Phil smiled at him, tilting his head and opening his arms up to Dan.

“Come here, you big dork,” he said, and laughed as Dan’s lips twitched uncertainly. The sound snapped Dan out of his fear as he finally stood up, and rushed into Phil’s arms, wrapping his own around Phil’s waist and pulling him in. His face was tucked into Phil’s neck, his breathing uncontrolled but warm, and Phil knew that he was crying again.

“I love you, so much,” he whispered against the shell of Dan’s ear, laughing wetly as his own tears continued to run. “And I am so, so sorry. For everything that I put you through.”

“That’s okay,” Dan replied, sniffling. “You’re here now. And now we both know the truth. The whole truth,” he said. “We’ll be okay.”

And Phil believed him.

\--

Things were better, the tension, the fighting, had faded. Instead, they took comfort in each other's company. And sometimes Phil would look up, the familiar twinkling in his eye telling Dan that he remembered something new. And sometimes they didn't worry about it; they had the rest of their lives to figure everything out.

And things went back to normal, they started their Radio Show again. They got back to making videos.

Their lives were utterly boring (not really, but certainly more calm than they had been since the accident), but that's the way they liked it.

And if one day they started wearing golden rings, well, that wasn't really anyone else's business.


End file.
